A Bride's Nightmare
How could such a dreadful thing happen on her wedding day, she wanted to know? She never sneezed fewer than four times in one session and her sneezes were loud enough to shake up the guests in the pews. In desperation, she tried pinching her nose, but from past experience she knew it was hopeless. A sneeze was racing down the express lanes of her nostrils, followed in hot pursuit by three more; and they wouldn’t be stopped until they exited her nose with four mighty “ACHOOS!!”.
She was desperate enough to try the pinch – but sure enough, it didn’t work.
She arrived at the altar, where Tim stood with the minister. The minister began, “Dearly beloved – ”
“I…ah…hafta…ah…ahh…sneeze,” Tina gasped. Her eyebrows rose and her nose wrinkled. Her eyes shut, her mouth opened, and her tongue rose slightly. An interminable series of “AH AHH AHHHS” began as she put her right index finger under her nose and tilted her head back. Finally her head lurched forward violently accompanied by a resounding “CHOOO!!” that echoed through the chapel.
The minister thought it might be safe to begin again, but he didn’t know she was a four-sneeze-at-a-time person. When he looked her way, she had assumed another pre-sneeze pose. There was another “AH AHH AHHH” series, a few seconds’ delay, and then another blast of a sneeze. Ditto for the third and fourth.
Right before the fourth sneeze, the minister tucked a fresh soft white handkerchief into her left hand. She guided the fourth sneeze dead-on – bullseye! – into the handkerchief. She massaged her nose with the handkerchief for a few seconds after the fourth sneeze, both for comfort and to be sure she had no more sneezes lurking in her. She felt like she had decompressed. And she had the feeling of well-being that solid sneezes bring, but was acutely embarrassed.
The force of her sneezing had caused her to leak some urine. She had stained her lace-trimmed pure silk panties, hand embroidered with her initials and her wedding date. These were the panties she wanted to slip off in front of Tim at bedtime tonight. Now she would have to change to a fresh pair that wouldn’t suit the occasion as well. She would also have to change her slightly stained coordinating silk slip, with its lace trim and little bow on the waistband. Fortunately she had packed an extra slip, but it was very ordinary and nothing like her wedding day slip.
When the minister asked her if she was okay, she awakened in a cold sweat and realized she had been dreaming.
Now Tina was paranoid. Would she have a sneezing fit during the actual ceremony? She cancelled her floral order and purchased three air purifiers for the chapel. “I’m going to make a sneezing fool of myself at my wedding,” she sobbed to her therapist.
She asked to be hypnotized so as to be sneeze-free during the ceremony, but the therapist wasn’t trained in such techniques.
Tim tried to reassure her that he would love her just as much whether or not she sneezed during their wedding. He tried to humour her by saying they would laugh about it years later if she had a sneezing fit that was captured on the wedding video. At the time, Tina was not easily assuaged, but Tim insisted that the odds of her sneezing during their wedding were small.
Later she decided to tuck a hanky in the sleeve of her wedding dress and wear a pad to keep her panties dry. Tim told her, “If you sneeze in church, God will bless you.”
Tina replied, “Wise guy!” She stuck out her tongue and began giggling as a tiny tear rolled down each cheek.
As they wrapped up one of their pre-wedding planning meetings, Tim presented his bride-to-be with a sign that said “I DO”. She asked what it was for. He explained that if she was heading (no pun intended) into a sneeze when the minister asked “Do you take this man, Tim, to be your lawfully wedded husband?”, she could simply hold up the sign.
Tina decided to get even with Tim. She began twitching her nose, wrinkling her face and opening her mouth to show her tongue and teeth.
“What are you doing?” Tim asked.
“I’m ah...ahh...ahhh...ahaa…getting ready to sneeze,” she told him. After Tim took cover under the table, she laughed and said, “Ha, I fooled ya.”
He said that her little prank was not amusing.
“Behave yourself, buster,” she admonished, “or I will add the word ‘NOT’ to your sign. Besides, you must agree that I gave a convincing performance.”
Tim said, “Yeah, let’s call your agent to see if they need an actress to perform an almost-sneeze in a movie or TV commercial. You would definitely be ‘a-choo-in’ (pun intended) for the part.”
Tina said grudgingly with a wry smile, “I’ll give you that one, wise guy.”
As he headed for the door Tina warned Tim not to “even think about” getting his pals to form a betting pool on whether she would sneeze.
He said he wouldn’t think of it. He didn’t dare tell Tina he had already decided it would be fun and he was going to do it. He had already called his pals and told them to bring their wagers to the bachelor party.
As Tim kissed Tina goodnight, he said, “Sneeze dreams. Er, I mean sweet dreams, honey.”
After this Freudian slip, Tina gave her fiancé a firm shove onto the porch. The next thing Tim heard was the door going SLAM!
The wedding was held on a lovely June day that happened to be sunny and comfortably warm. Tina awoke about 8AM. She had tried to put her fears of sneezing at her wedding to rest. She had visited a gypsy fortune teller, who said Tina’s only sneezes on her wedding day would begin at precisely 4:30PM, with a second fit at exactly 11.55PM. Tina could live with that, because the wedding ceremony would be over before four o’clock.
The gypsy’s extraordinarily exact prediction and the conviction in her voice had impressed Tina mightily. Nevertheless, she repeated five hundred times that morning: “I will not sneeze, I will not sneeze, I will not sneeze…”
When Tina arrived at the church about 1:30PM, her bridesmaids were there to help her get ready. Gretchen, the quipster in the group, said, “I hear you’re afraid you will have a huge sneezing fit at the altar today.” She pulled a clothespin from her purse and snapped it a few times in front of Tina’s nose.
“Not amusing,” said Tina.
By 3PM Tina was standing at the entry to the chapel and the processional began. Halfway down the aisle, and no sneeze on the radar screen. At the altar, through the vows and ring ceremony, she remained sneeze-free. The recessional began with still no sign of a sneeze.
With about ten feet to go to the “finish line”, Tina saw Gretchen (she’d think of her as Clothespin Girl from now on) out of the corner of her eye.
Gretchen’s nose was twitching and she was squinting. Oh no, Tina thought, Gretchen is going to sneeze.
But Gretchen pinched her nose and gave the thumbs up sign. It meant Gretchen had corralled the sneeze and put it on hold for a more appropriate time. Phew! Close call, thought Tina. A moment later, the wedding party crossed the “finish line” into the foyer. No sneezes had interrupted the ceremony. Gretchen immediately darted into the ladies’ room. Tina put her ear to the door and heard one feminine, dainty: “Achoo!”
“Nice save,” said Tina as Gretchen emerged from the ladies’ room.
“Thanks,” replied Gretchen. “Who would’ve thought it, Tina? I was the one who had to sneeze – not you.”
“Well, if you’d sneezed before we got to the foyer, I would have killed you,” said Tina.
They both laughed. “I’m amazed that you only sneezed once in there,” said Tina. “Marvellous self-control. I always have sneezing fits.”
“I take care of business efficiently,” bragged Gretchen.
Tina told Gretchen she was going to present her with a trophy that read “Champion of Sneeze Control”.
“You have it engraved and I will display it proudly in my trophy case,” Gretchen said.
Outside the church, Tina and her bridesmaids clowned around, each posing for a picture with the clothespin on the end of her nose.
“If any of us sneezes with this clothespin on our nose, we’ll blow our brains right out of our ears,” said Cindy.
“Has that ever happened to any of you?” asked Gretchen. More uproarious laughter ensued.
Next came the limo ride to the reception. Tim and Tina cuddled in the back seat and began rubbing noses. Suddenly Tina pulled back.
“What’s wrong?” asked Tim.
“I feel a tickle,” she replied. “I know I’m going to start sneezing any minute.”
Tina had been too caught up in the euphoria of love and marriage to remember the gypsy fortune teller’s words: “You will begin the first of four magnificent sneezes at exactly 4:30PM on your wedding day.”
It was 4:29 and the first sneeze was set to make its grand entrance in less than one minute. Tina had learned that timing is critical to the serious sneezer. “Pull over, Max,” she instructed the driver.
“My wife has to sneeze,” Tim explained as the astonished driver complied.
Tina jumped out of the car, onto the sidewalk. She tilted her head back so that the sun shone directly on her face. She hoped this would minimise the “ahs” and get her more quickly to the “choos”. Tim watched Tina’s head rock back and forth four times, and then she emitted four mammoth sneezes that echoed among the buildings on the block.
When she finished her sneezes, Tina jumped back in the limo. “I feel great,” she said. “Now I love to sneeze.”
“Easy for you to say, now that our wedding ceremony is history,” replied Tim.
“No, seriously, Tim,” insisted Tina. “I really do love to sneeze. Maybe I have developed a sneezing fetish. Maybe we’ve discovered recreational sneezing.”
“We can check it out when we get home,” said Tim. “Tina, I love your sneezes because they are just so majestic.”
“That’s so sweet,” said Tina. “Since we’re married now, I’m going to dedicate all my future sneezes to you, my love. When I give you a greeting card, it will say: ‘To my loving Tim with all my love and kisses and sealed with a sneeze.’ ”
“It doesn’t get any better than that,” mused Tim.
Nobody sneezed at the reception. Or if anyone did, he or she did it so quietly and unobtrusively that the bride and groom didn’t notice. And the combination of the delicious food, the dancing after the meal, and the laughter of loved-ones and best friends, made Tina quite forget about sneezing again…until she and Tim were alone together in their bedroom.
She was naked except for her silk panties, sitting in bed with a sheet pulled up demurely over her breasts. Tim was in the en suite bathroom, brushing his teeth. Absently, Tina rubbed her nose and glanced at the bedside clock – 11.54PM.
“Oh my!” she said.
She had remembered the second prediction. Was that tiny itch in her nose getting bigger? Yes, it was! But she wasn’t concerned. Tim had told her that her sneezes were “majestic”.
She gave a small “ahh”, just as Tim emerged from the bathroom. The groom was in his birthday suit, and he looked mighty fine.
“Say Tina, is anything wrong?” He bounced onto the bed and cuddled up to her.
“Nothing’s…ahh…wrong,” she gasped. “Jus…gonna…”
“You mean you’re gonna sneeze again?” Tim guessed, a big grin on his face. “You’re not kidding around this time, are ya?”
“No…no way, honey…I…ahhh – ”
Tina let rip with a thunderous “CHOO!!” that shook the whole bed and blew back Tim’s hair. He hadn’t bothered to take cover.
“Sorry, honey,” said Tina, “did I spray you?”
“You did,” he said. “And I loved it!” He stared at her rapturously. “Spray it again, ma’am!”
And Tina did just that as another delicious, resounding sneeze blasted from her, followed by a third.
“Wow,” said Tim. “That was seriously – wow!”
Tina looked down. “It appears your soldier is well and truly standing to attention.”
“He wants to salute her majesty the sneezing queen,” said Tim.
Then Tina threw back her head, mouth open, waiting…waiting…and after a long gasp she sneezed a fourth time, flinging her whole body forward, her sheet abandoned.
To her relief she had not leaked into her panties, and she shed them provocatively. She was almost tempted to use them as a handkerchief, but decided this would be too gross and instead settled for a good sniff that cleared her nose. Tim ran one hand up her thigh, and then the newlyweds embraced, kissed and began a night of furious, sweaty passion…the most intense thrill of their lives.
And later, as she lay exhausted next to her husband, Tina realized that she had received a valuable wedding gift. It was to be her mantra for the rest of her life: “Hafta sneeze? No worries!! Go for it!! Enjoy!!”
Tim and Tina are now on their way to happily ever after.
Tina concluded that the moral
of the story of her wedding was: God Bless the Sneeze! The Sneeze