The Ah-Choo-Choo Express


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Elaine got on the first class carriage and looked about her in surprise. It was one of those old fashioned carriages of the sort she’d last seen in an Ealing film comedy and which, in these days of rail privatisation, she had assumed would now be rusting in the sidings. Or broken up for scrap and turned into a million beer cans.


A corridor ran its entire length, providing access to separate compartments. Every section had room for about eight passengers, facing each other on two long bench seats.


Elaine found an empty compartment and sat. Old fashioned yes, but comfortable.


She hadn’t travelled by train for years, and had not been sure what to expect. When she’d called the rail company, she’d certainly not been pleased to discover that “progress and modernisation” meant the direct train to Harwich had been discontinued. She was informed she would have to catch a train to London and stop overnight in the capital before taking a connecting train at Liverpool Street.


It would be the first night she’d spent apart from Maria in a while. The women’s affair had begun in a slightly unusual way. Elaine had once trained as a dressmaker, and occasionally still made clothes for close friends – friends like buxom Maria. The waistcoat Elaine had made for her was a tight fit. And while watching her friend try it on, Elaine had fantasised about her sneezing her ample breasts right out of it. Then, in a playful moment, Maria had experimented with pepper, and Elaine’s fantasies had become reality.


The women discovered a deep sexual passion for each other, which drew its heat from Elaine’s fascination with sneezing.


Elaine hated being away from her lover. Still, she reflected, the trip would be worth it. She might be a dressmaker by inclination, but she was a sales executive by trade, and she stood to make a lot of commission from her jaunt to Essex.


She’d managed to persuade the seller of an Aston Martin Lagonda to bring the car to England at his own expense, on the ferry from Esbjerg in Denmark.


And she’d managed to find a client (they were never customers at this level) willing to buy the car for forty grand without even having seen it!


“Well, Mr DeVere, of course it’s up to you,” she’d told him. “You can wait until you see it if you want, but I’m going to sell this car to the first person that comes up with the forty thousand. Now, that might be you…” She’d paused for dramatic effect. “…But maybe not. Unless you agree to pay the forty thousand now, in which case the car is guaranteed yours. And my company will guarantee that it will be like new when you get and, if it isn’t, you get your money back!”


After a little hesitation, he’d agreed, and now she was to meet his agent at Harwich. The agent, known as Slick (somewhat pretentiously, Elaine thought), would give her the money and take delivery of the car.


As she recalled her conversation with the client she allowed herself a little smirk behind the book she had brought along for the journey.


“Slick who?” she’d asked. “Is that a first name or a surname?”


“Just Slick,” the client had said grumpily.


Actually, Elaine thought the car was a monstrosity and wouldn’t have paid forty pence for it! But one man’s meat and all that…


Her mobile rang, interrupting her reverie. It was Maria. She sounded odd…petulant.


“You OK?” asked Elaine.




“What’s up?”


“I miss you.”


“Well I miss you too, but…”


“No,” Maria interrupted. “I really miss you. And there’s another reason why I wanted to call you.”


“Oh, yeah?” Elaine was becoming suspicious.


“My nose is itching!”


“Maria,” whispered Elaine urgently. “Don’t do this to me!”


“I bet you can’t guess what I’m doing to me!” Maria giggled.


“I bet I bloody can!”


Maria purred: “Ohhh, my nose is really, really itching!”


Elaine did not relish the prospect of losing control of herself on a train. “Maria, you can’t do this to me!”


“I can do anything I like,” said Maria. “Because I’m not lording it on a train. I’ve been left on my own!”


“I can’t help it if work makes me stay away overnight!” hissed Elaine. “I have to go where the job takes me.”


Maria, of course, was unrelenting. “…And I don’t know why my dose is itching so much!”


There was a short pause.


“I’m gonna sneeze,” breathed Maria.


Elaine squirmed uncontrollably in her seat as she heard the deep intake of breath coming down the line.


“Hhuh… Huhh.. HUHH. Aaa.. CHOOO….! Oh, I needed that! And I’m so wet! You can probably hear how wet I am…”


Sure enough, Elaine could hear Maria’s juices as she played with herself. Then Maria gave a little sniff and said: “I’m gonna sneeze again.”


Elaine held her breath.


“I’m so close to coming now!” gasped Maria. “I’m almost there!” Then her voice went up an octave. “I’m gonna sneeze!! I’m gonna sneeze!! I… Aaahh…  AAHH… AAAHHH…A….CHOOOO…!!! Oh, that’s it!! I’m coming!! That’s what it needed! I’m coming oh…OH…!! OHHHH!!!” There was another pause. A long one this time. Elaine was about to break it when Maria gasped: “Oh Christ! That was so good! Right, I’m off now, Byee!”


“What? Wait a minute, “ Elaine croaked. “You can’t leave me like this. Not after what you’ve just done!”


“You left me,” said Maria. “Goodnight.”


“Hey, wait a minute...”


“Did you catch what I just said. Goodnight, Elaine. You globe trotters might be able to get along without sleep, but some of us have to get up in the morning.”


“You minx, I’m hornier than a toad now!”


“Then let your fingers do the talking.”




“God bless you,” said Maria, and the line went dead.


Elaine stared at her mobile. Then a thought struck her: she was alone. She could take Maria’s advice after all.


She decided to make the experience complete by digging out some cheap perfume from her handbag. The scent made everybody she’d tried it on sneeze, herself included.


It had cost her £3 at a jumble sale, and she would have paid £300 for it.


She sprayed a liberal amount around her face, but even before she’d put the bottle back in her bag, she heard the conductor’s voice over the tannoy.


“Chesterfield. The train is now arriving at Chesterfield. Thank you.”


This simple statement struck fear into her heart. In her heightened state of arousal, she’d forgotten something. Trains stop at stations and, when they do, passengers get on.


She buried her face in her book and tried to persuade herself that no one would get into the compartment with her.


After Chesterfield the train wouldn’t stop until Watford. Which would leave plenty of time for her to work off her sexual frustration and for the scent to fade. No one would get on the carriage, she told herself. After all, it was late at night and first class travel was expensive.


“Hi!” said a friendly female voice. “Mind if I join you?”


“No, of course not...” Elaine looked up. Before her stood a vision of beauty in black leather. She wore spray-on trousers with laces up the legs, a short matching black leather bullfighter’s coat, and a white, very low-cut blouse that showed off a more than ample bosom.


Elaine, a big-bosomed lady herself, had always been attracted to busty women, which was why she got on so well with Maria.


The vision turned round to put an attaché case on the rack above her, and the sight of her tight but curvy bottom moving under the leather of her strides made Elaine’s teeth itch. The impressive passenger took off her jacket and sat facing Elaine.


She had long, deep brown hair. Some of it was piled on top of her head and the rest cascaded over her shoulders like a dark fountain.


She looked at Elaine with her huge brown eyes and said: “Hey, it smells nice in here doesn’t it?”


This could be more exciting than I expected, thought Elaine.


The lady continued to look at Elaine, clearly expecting her to reply.


Trouble was, Elaine’s state of arousal was such that she couldn’t think of anything to say to keep the conversation rolling in the direction she wanted it to go. She couldn’t even come up with a comment that would keep it on the move, in low gear.


How could the gift of the gab desert her like this? Earlier that day she’s talked a man into spending forty grand on a second-hand car he hadn’t even seen, and now she felt like a stammering teenager!


To make matters worse, the perfume was making her nose itch. Her embarrassment and confusion were increasing.


Then realisation dawned.


Her need to sneeze would be an excellent icebreaker.


Elaine looked at the lady – the Leather Clad Lady, as she had come to think of her – and twitched her nose. Then she fanned the air in front of her face dramatically.


The Lady gave Elaine a knowing smile.


Elaine’s breath began to hitch and her breasts rose and fell. She put the back of her hand under her nose and…nothing.


“Oh,” gasped Elaine. “I want to sneeze, but I can’t!”


“Don’t you just hate it when that happens!” said The Lady. “Try looking at the light.”




“Well, it tends to do it for me,” The Lady replied.


Oh, wouldn’t that be a sight to see, thought Elaine. She gave it a try. “Ohh,” she gasped. “D’you know…” The light was working its magic. “AAHH…AAAHHH…AHH…CHEEEWWW!!!”

The Lady laughed and clapped her hands. “Hooray!”

Then the carriage door swung open and in stepped the ticket inspector. She was in her late forties, her hair was obviously dyed blonde, her make-up had been applied too liberally and her uniform was perhaps a little too tight – but she was a handsome woman for all that.


“Tickets from Chesterfield, please,” she said.


The inspector checked The Lady’s ticket and seemed about to say something, but stopped. And then she looked at the light.


Elaine and The Lady looked at each other and then back at the inspector, who looked at The Lady and said: “I thought it was going to be a sneeze, but it didn’t turn out.”


The Lady arched a quizzical eyebrow at Elaine.


The inspector turned to Elaine. “Can I see...Oh dear…it’s ok, I’ve already...Oh my…”

She looked up at the light again. She clearly knew that little trick too. Then she gave a wonderfully dramatic pre-sneeze display, twitching her nose and rubbing it with one finger.


The sneeze, when it eventually arrived, was in two instalments. The first was a kind of painful false start. “ Aaahh… AAHH… A TTCHH…!”


For the second instalment, she held her cupped hands in front of face, creating a sound chamber. “OH…AH...YESSHHEWW!! OH!! Oh, I knew I was going to sneeze!”


“Bless you,” said Elaine, thinking that the inspector’s sneeze had resembled the hoots, puffs and clunks of an old steam train coming to a halt.


“Thank you. Enjoy your journey with us.” Sniffing, the inspector closed the carriage door behind her.


“There must be something in the air,” suggested Elaine innocently.


“You know, I think it’s something to do with the smell in here.” The Lady stood abruptly and sat beside Elaine. “Can I have a look at that book you’re reading?”


She reached over and gently raised the book, without taking it from Elaine’s hands. Elaine couldn’t take her eyes off The Lady’s cleavage.


“I’ve read this! All of a sudden it gets quite racy.”


“Really?” Elaine was surprised. It had shown no indication of being that kind of a book.


“Yes. It caught me really off guard. I read it on a plane. When it came to that bit I was so surprised I had to rush to the toilet and…relieve myself!”


This lady was getting more and more interesting. Dismissing a brief but guilty thought about Maria, Elaine imagined relieving her own sexual frustrations with her sexy fellow passenger.


They could lose control together!


The Lady was sitting very close now, getting a good look at Elaine’s book. And Elaine was getting a good look at The Lady’s breasts. She squirmed against the seat, hoping her companion wouldn’t notice.


But The Lady didn’t miss a thing. “Heh, heh! I’ve been watching you. Are you sure you’ve not read the racy chapter already?”


By now Elaine’s underwear was ringing wet and she felt as if her own breasts were gong to explode out of her bra. “No I haven’t! Can I be absolutely honest with you? I mean, I know I only just met you, but you seem like the understanding type.”


“Spill the beans, honey. You’re absolutely right, I’m a great listener.”


Elaine spilled. “My girlfriends was prick teasing me on my mobile before you came in. Well, it would have been prick teasing if I was a man. But anyway, you know what I mean. And now I’m turned on like an electric fan!”


“Oh, you poor darling,” The Lady purred. “We’d better see what we can do about that, hadn’t we?”


“Yes, we had.” Elaine began to smile wickedly, then felt a familiar sensation in her nose. “Oh my God, I think I’m gonna sneeze again. It’s that smell in here.”


The Lady gasped. She seemed a little startled. “I’m gonna sneeze too! There really must be something in the air!”


She turned away from Elaine, put a finger under her nose and squeaked: “I’m really gonna… gonna…!” Her voice trailed off, and she released three sneezes in quick succession: “A…HOO! A…HOO! A…A…HOO!”


Each sneeze made The Lady’s breasts wobble, sending Elaine into pure ecstasy. She wondered how much more she would be able to take.


The Lady was way ahead of her. “You’re really mad for it, aren’t you?”


Elaine was beyond speech. All she could do was nod.


Then The Lady put her hands on either side of Elaine’s face and gently drew Elaine toward her. They exchanged a passionate lipsticky kiss, and The Lady slowly moved her hands up Elaine’s thighs and between her legs.


“God, you’re absolutely wringing wet aren’t you? And I can only use one hand on you because I just know I’m… gonna...snee…sneeze agai…”


The Lady turned from Elaine with her finger under her nose and blasted three more rapid sneezes. “A…CHOO!!! ATCHOO!!!…AT…CHOOO!!!”


This was too much for Elaine. She inhaled and exhaled through her nostrils and her breasts heaved and her body shook as she tried to keep her orgasm quiet. She believed that if she had allowed even the smallest whine to escape, it would have been followed by moans of staggering magnitude. And their seismic force would have derailed the train.


When finally her vision cleared, she saw The Lady was staring at her with a curious lopsided smile. The look she was giving Elaine was so old fashioned it was almost Neolithic.


Elaine suddenly felt very self-conscious. With an effort she recovered her sang-froid. After all, The Lady still had her fingers between her legs.


“God I needed that!” said Elaine.


The Lady continued to smile inscrutably. “You did too, didn’t you?”


Elaine thought it time for a tactical switch of conversation. “You’ve got such a lovely complexion, you know? I wish I could tan like that.”


“I’m Spanish,” said The Lady. “My parents came to England when I was a baby.”


“Are you taking the train all the way to London?” asked Elaine.




“Do you live in London?


“No, I live in Chesterfield. I have to go pick up a car for my dad in some ferry port in Essex. What’s your name? Everyone calls me Slick, because I wear so much black leather. An ex-boyfriend gave me the nickname. He got chucked ages ago – wasn’t my type – but the name stuck…”