Anything But Traditional


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The train rattled along towards the countryside, and Lee found himself getting engaged in thought. He looked at his reflection in the train window, which revealed his dark black hair and sharp Asian features. He glanced across at Emily, the girl he had been going out with for the last few months. She was not only stunningly attractive, he thought, but she was also friendly and had very exciting allergies. Recently his parents had insisted on meeting her, so Lee had organised to take Emily to his parents’ house in the country this weekend.


His thoughts were interrupted by a violent sneeze from Emily. “Come on Em,” he moaned, “You’ll have to do better than that.”

“Sorry, but I don’t see what your parents have against sneezing.”

“I don’t know, it’s some stupid Chinese tradition.”

“What, haven’t they heard about hay fever over in China?”

“It’s mainly my dad, but Mum goes along with anything he says. And it’s bad enough that you’re not... well... Asian. My Dad’s not very keen on that either. I just want everything to be perfect, that’s all."

Emily sighed. “So do I.”

Lee was familiar with his girlfriend’s violent outbreaks of sneezing which occurred several times a day and seemed to last forever during the summer. He hadn’t come across anyone whose sneezes were as breathtaking as hers. But he knew his parents never tolerated excessive sneezing of any kind - they saw it as a sign of sickness or weakness and that it attracted evil spirits - and he was already nervous about what they would think of Emily.

Lee’s stomach tightened as the train pulled into the station. As he got off the train he noticed the sneezy expression on his girlfriend’s face.

“Hi-chhhh! Hi-chhhhh! Hi-chooo! Ooh, sorry.” Her sneezes were strong and intense but still pleasant, spraying lightly into the air as she struggled with her heavy bag. He thought she looked really cute as she tried to fight off the annoying tickle in her nose and even cuter as she succumbed to the inevitable explosions: “Hi... hi... hi... .hi-CHHH!... hiii... sorry... I can’t stop... heeeeee... heeeeee-CHOO!”

She slumped onto the nearest bench exhausted, sniffling wetly and rubbing her itching nose. Lee sat down next to her. “Hey, don’t worry, you’ll be alright.”

He watched as Emily’s nose screwed up in irritation. “Hi... .hi-CHHH!” Her pockets were always filled with hankies and tissues in allergy season and she pulled one out now to blow her runny nose. “Hi-Chemf!” She sneezed into the hankie before giving her nose another blow. Emily sighed in frustration and rested her head on Lee’s shoulder. “This isn’t going to work, your parents are going to hate me.”

Lee leant over and kissed her, running his fingers through her hair. “Of course it’s going to work.”


They arrived at the house to see Lee’s father mowing the front lawn. Emily rolled her eyes. “Oh gosh, I bet he’s done it on purpose,” even though she knew he couldn’t have, could he? She could imagine the clouds of grass pollen being propelled into the air.

“Good afternoon,” he yelled over the noise of the mower.

“Hi,” Emily called, trying desperately not to sneeze.
“You two go in, I be in for afternoon tea soon.”

“Are you okay?” Lee asked as soon as they were in the house. Her nostrils were flaring wildly with allergic reaction to the pollen she had just inhaled.

“Yeah, I’ll be ... in the ... bathroom.” She held a hand over her dripping nose as she hurried down the hallway.

Lee went into the kitchen, where his mother rushed over to give him a big hug. “That’s not Emily sneezing her head off in the bathroom, is it? You’d better go and check, you know what your father’s like.”

Lee nodded and headed off towards the bathroom. He could hear Emily having one of her regular sneezing attacks, each sneeze was loud and violent. “Hi-CHHH! He-CHOO! Ha-CHUHH! Hi-CHHH!” They exploded one after the other. He could imagine her entire body thrusting forward with the force of each sneeze.

“Hey Em,” he called, “You’d better keep it down before Dad hears you.”

“Yeah, okay… CHOOO!”

A few minutes later, Emily emerged from the bathroom, her eyes red and watery from all the sneezing.

“What wrong with your eyes?” Lee’s father demanded. “Have you been crying?”

Emily tried to sound casual. “Oh no, umm...  I was just washing my face and I must have got soap in my eyes, that’s all.”

He looked as if he hadn’t heard her, but didn’t repeat his question. She could see the older man staring at her, almost studying her. She felt a sudden twinge in her nose. Not now, she thought. She concentrated hard on fighting off the sneeze, breathing lightly and trying to ignore the urge to satisfy the itch in her nose. She managed to keep this up all through afternoon tea and was quite pleased with herself.


Emily laid back in the bed, staring out into the night. Her nose felt completely blocked up and she was having trouble getting to sleep. A slight breeze blowing through the open window caused an involuntary gasp of air from Emily and before she knew it a sneeze was upon her. “Hi-Chhhh!” Two more followed, then a fourth and a fifth. “Hi-Chhhhhh! Hi-Chhhhhh!... Hi-Chhhhh! Hi-hi-CHHHHH!” Emily found herself lying there sneezing uncontrollably, one sneeze after the other. Her head flew forward with each sneeze, both hands coming up to catch each messy explosion.

Meanwhile, in the room next door, Lee was also having trouble sleeping, but for a different reason. He couldn’t believe how hard he was getting turned on by his girlfriend’s sneezes. The sweet sound of them was being blasted through the connecting wall between their rooms, echoing through his ears. Lee knew he hadn’t masturbated since he was in high school but the sexual tension that had been building up all day had reached an unbearable level.

He reached into his pants and began his routine, his arousal growing as Emily’s sneezes increased their intensity and volume. He felt himself getting hot with desire as Emily continued to please him with her appealing, almost sensual sneezes. “Hi-CHHHH! Ha-CHHHH! CHHHH!” She continued one sneeze after the other, not stopping for breath, and not allowing Lee to stop for breath either, as he reached his climax, exhausted but satisfied at last.


Emily sat on the edge of her bed the next morning, wondering what sort of misery the long day ahead of her would bring.. She groaned as she felt a sudden itch in her nose, and pressed both hands against her face as she sneezed, “He-Chhhhh!” She pulled her hands away for a second, as her nostrils flared preparing for more sneezes, then brought them back to her face, “Hi-Chhhhhh! Chhhhhh! He-Choooo!” Emily sniffled miserably. Three sneezes in a row. That could only mean one thing - her allergies were playing up again. Her nose screwed up as another itch took hold of her, “hi... hi... ” She waited for the sneeze to come. Nothing... then suddenly: “Ha-Chiiihhhh!” it burst out when she wasn’t expecting.

Emily sneezed a few more times as she searched through her bags for some tissues. “Ha-Chhhssschhh!” She found one at last and buried her nose in it as she launched into another sneezing fit. “Ha-Choooo! Choooo! Chhhhh! Chssch! Chiiihhhhh!” Her sneezes weren’t very violent today, more tired and relaxed, as if her body was sick of sneezing. She blew her nose, which had started to run already. It had started to itch again too, and she rubbed it half-heartedly. She knew no amount of rubbing did any good.

Finally, she got up and stood in front of the mirror, beginning to fix up her hair. She needed to sneeze again, but her hands being occupied her sneezes sprayed everywhere. She wiped her nose on her arm before blowing it into a tissue. She glanced in the mirror at her eyes, which had become quite red and taken on a glazed, wet appearance. Emily wondered how Lee put up with her frequent sneezing. Then she thought of Lee’s parents and wondered if they had heard any of her sneezing outbursts from last night or that morning.

Another abrupt sneeze interrupted her thoughts and she decided she’d better get down to breakfast. She left her room to see Lee leaving his at exactly the same time.

“Hey, Em,” he called, his voice sounding softer than usual.

She smiled at him, then turned away as the itch returned to her nose, “Hey... eh...heh... heh-Chhhhh! Chhhh!” She sneezed twice, lightly and spraying off to the side.

Lee’s brow furrowed at the sound and he sounded worried when he spoke. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Your... um... sneezing. I mean, I don’t mind it, but my parents must have heard something. You’ve been sneezing your head off ever since you arrived here.”

“I know,” Emily sighed. “It must be the country air that’s annoying my nose.”

“Well, the thing is, without my parent’s consent there’s no future for us together. I was thinking that if we couldn’t get married then at least I wanted something to remember you by.”

Emily nodded. She knew what he meant. Slowly she followed him back into the bedroom.

As she walked towards the bed, Emily realised that she had never done this with Lee before. With all her other boyfriends she had slept with them within days of their going out. But Lee was different, she guessed. Her relationship with him was more than just physical. It was like they had a deeper connection with each other. She knew that he would have proposed to her by now if it wasn’t for her nose, which had started to itch again.

“Hi-chhhhh! Heh-Chuhhhhh!” She sneezed as she took off her clothes, glancing across at Lee who was doing the same. He started to move towards her, but stopped as she sneezed again. “Ha-Choooohhhh!” She sniffled as he slowly kissed her.

“You must find this really annoying,” she said as she pulled away from him.


“You know… my sneezing.”

“Umm” he mumbled “nuh… not really.”

She studied his face carefully, which had turned slightly red. Then, a sudden thought crossed her mind. “You get turned on by all this, don’t you?”

“Huh? W-well”

“Oh my God, you do” she exclaimed staring pointedly at his erected penis.

“No, hang on” he protested weakly, but she pushed him onto the bed, sneezing convulsively as she climbed on top of him.

They wrestled for a while, before he entered her. Her sneezes died down as their bodies pressed together. He grew hot with desire, wanting to taste every drop of satisfaction. He realised with a shock that he had never done this before, not with Emily anyway. They knew each other so well, yet in bed they were like strangers. In a way he was exploring her, getting to know every inch and curve of her perfectly shaped body. It felt good, but Lee somehow felt that they needed something extra to push them over the edge.

Suddenly, Emily provided it. Lee saw her expression change dramatically, as her features screwed up in agony and discomfort. He had seen this look before and knew exactly what it meant. His penis swelled with anticipation, as her face continued to twist and contort, her body becoming stiff and tense. He languished under her in painful enjoyment, scared and excited at the same time. She drew in a long breath that rose in pitch to almost a shriek before the inevitable explosion, “HeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE-CHHHHHHHHH!” She stiffened as they both came simultaneously, then relaxed and rolled off to one side.

“I used to wonder,” she said, out of breath, “how you put up with all my sneezing. I guess I’ve found out now.”

Lee looked calmly across at her. “I guess you have.”