One Summer Evening

Steve UK

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After a long day at the office Mike felt like he had earned a drink. The English summer was as usual proving to be a total let down, but today the sun had finally made an appearance, bringing with it a high humidity level. Yet the latter wasn’t all bad, as it provided people with an excuse to meet up for a drink to replenish bodily fluids.

Mike phoned a couple of friends to arrange to meet up at his local for a few beers. He was the first to turn up and ordered himself a nice cool pint of lager. The pub seemed quite empty when he arrived, but as usual it started to fill up as all the office workers clocked off for the day. Whilst waiting, Mike looked around the pub eyeing up the female population. There were a few around, but none which really caught his eye. Although that was soon to change… and it wasn’t so much a case of catching his eye as catching his ear.

His friend Stuart arrived and volunteered to brave the crowd to get a couple of beers when Mike suddenly heard a sneeze from behind him. It was female and wet, exactly the kind of thing that had always got him excited. It was followed within seconds by another couple of wet sneezes, and then a long drawn out snotty nose blow. This was heaven!


Stuart, having finally managed to get served, returned to hand Mike his pint of lager. They started chatting about what they might do at the weekend, but Mike was only half following the conversation, busy as he was secretly hoping he hadn’t heard the last of the woman behind him.


His luck was in. As Stuart talked on, another couple of loud and wet-sounding sneezes rang out. Mike was now desperate to see who it was. He wanted to turn around but didn’t dare. The sound of the woman venting her nose’s fury into (he imagined) her handkerchief was all he could concentrate on. His manhood was rapidly growing in appreciation.


He sprinkled Stuart’s soliloquy with a few timely ‘ayes’ and ‘indeeds’, thinking there had to be a way to take a discreet look. He bided his time, and then his patience was rewarded as Stuart called out a welcome to their mate Steve, a tall man with a ruddy face, who was just coming in the door. Mike turned to wave hello, and then smiled – not at Steve, but at the perfect view he was blessed with of the table behind theirs.


Two attractive young ladies, one a buxom milkmaid-type blonde and the other a slender, sophisticated-looking brunette, were sat there sipping drinks coloured a dodgy-looking pink. He quite fancied both of them, but there was something extra sexy about the brunette – her slightly oversized nose, a feature Mike had always been attracted to.


As Stuart and Steve stood talking at the bar, Mike was able to shift positions in order to gaze at the young ladies. He knew his friends would only assume he was eyeing them up – which he was – should they happen to give his silence a second thought. He felt slightly guilty for ignoring Stuart and Steve, but he couldn’t stop himself. There, on the table, was the result of one these girls’ sneezing fits: two recently spent Kleenex tissues rolled into tight balls. Which one of these ladies was the sneezing goddess, he wondered, his erection giving a twitch to punctuate this question.


Mike was suddenly feeling quite hot and thirsty. As he reached for his pint, a very wet sneeze echoed out across the room, swiftly followed by two others.


‘Damn,’ Mike thought, ‘I missed that!’


But as he turned back to face the girls’, table he saw the blonde girl searching through her handbag. Mike cursed under his breath: he had been hoping it was the brunette who had been delivering those sensuous sneezes and blows. But then, just when it seemed he was out of luck, Mike’s disappointment changed to surprise and delight as the blonde girl pulled a man-size Kleenex from her bag and passed it to her friend. Mike watched eagerly as the latter shook the tissue open and then attempted to clear her nose, blowing with one nostril then with the other into the oversized tissue. The unfolding drama – pardon the pun – had left Mike in an state of full arousal that was rapidly becoming uncomfortable. He decided to seek temporary sanctuary in the toilet before his friends noticed what was up… or before he embarrassed himself.


Stuart and Steve were so busy discussing the outcome of the previous night’s football game that they barely noticed Mike slipping into the Gents. Wrapped up as they were in discussing how it was that Arsenal should have beaten City 3-2, they barely noticed that Mike was gone ten minutes. And when Mike finally re-emerged, having missed one hell of a debate on the quality of Arsenal’s left forward, they didn’t notice the flush in his cheeks or the sparkle in his eye.


But this last wasn’t caused by the quick wank he’d gone to indulge in, though that would have been quite the plausible excuse. No – a flush was blooming on Mike’s cheeks because as he came back out of the toilets, he had been certain he had control of himself once again… only to almost literally bump into the sexy brunette he’d just been fantasising about as she passed him on her way to visit the ladies’. As if that wasn’t enough to leave him flustered, she chose that moment to unleash two harsh and wet-sounding sneezes.


‘Aitchoo! AITCHOOOOO!’


‘Bless you,’ Mike said, barely able to keep his voice steady.


She smiled at him and said, ‘It’s my damn hay fever!’


‘Well, it sounds very cute,’ Mike said without hesitation. It took him a few seconds to realise just how odd this might sound. Feeling as though he’d just made a complete fool of himself, he ignored the quizzical look she gave him and hurried back to his mates at the bar.

If only he’d known that at that very moment, the girl – who’s name was Jackie - was quietly pondering his remark in the toilet. She looked confused as she checked herself in the mirror, but that was quickly replaced with a slightly stricken expression as she felt irritation building in her nose. Mike – at that very moment kicking himself for uttering what he thought was surely one of the World’s Ten Stupidest Chat-Up Lines – could certainly not have known that the adjective he’d thrown her way, ‘cute’, was the last thing to course through Jackie’s mind as her breath became short and her beautiful elongated nostrils flared in response to the summer’s pollen.


Two massive sneezes echoed out, no one there to appreciate the finesse of their violence.


Back in the bar, innocent of the small drama unfolding in the Ladies’, Mike had gotten up the courage to approach the blonde woman who was quietly sitting alone waiting for her friend to return. Mike was quite shy usually, but when he saw a woman with allergies or a cold, he would grow bold and pull out all the stops to get a result. It didn’t take him too long to learn that the blonde’s name was Susan, and to learn that her lovely brown-haired friend-and-flatmate Jackie – ‘such a pity; her hay fever is just awful’ - was single and had been so for eight months.

Mike was quizzed by Stuart and Steve upon returning to his seat by the bar. It turned out that they had both noticed the two women near them, but predictably they both fancied Milkmaid Susan. He put up with their teasing, letting it flow over him like water off a duck because for once he had more important matters on his mind. Namely lovely, single, hay fever stricken Jackie, who had by that time made her way back to her table, her lovely large nose shiny and red from what Mike fantasised must have been one hell of a blow.

When Jackie looked over briefly, he guessed that Susan was busily mentioning Mike’s short stop at their table and his interest in her. Accordingly, he gave Jackie a smile, but she’d shyly turned away and was facing Susan, only giving Mike a view of her profile and not meeting his eye.

Oh, but she was lovely. She had on a rather old-fashioned, feminine dress, and her shiny brown hair, was tied back with a flowery silk scarf. Mike couldn’t help thinking that though the neat little bow was quite attractive, Jackie probably tied back her hair for practical reasons: with her continuous sneezing fits and nose blows, the last thing she would’ve wanted was her hair getting in the way!

Mike loved her feminine appearance and felt he had to make a move. He wanted this girl so badly that he knew he would regret it if he didn’t try his luck. He got up, told his friends he’d be back in a second, and ignored their subsequent chuckles and elbowing. He took a few steps towards the girls, yet before he could decide how to go about pulling her, he noticed Jackie’s head lifting as her jaw began to open, her breath again shortening before the inevitable sneeze gushed out:


‘ITCHOO!… A… Ah-ah… Aitchoo!!!’


Susan opened her handbag again, and this time Mike knew exactly what was coming. He just had to view Jackie’s impending nose blow. As he walked over to the girls, Susan handed Jackie a fresh large tissue, which the latter carefully folded (to double its strength, Mike thought, delighted) and began a full-bodied blow.


Mike’s timing was perfect: not only could he see her, he also heard the beautiful sound of her nose unleashing her wet warm body fluids into her unused tissue.


As Mike reached the girls, he placed his hand gently on Jackie’s back and said the first thing that came into his mind:


‘Hay fever still playing up then?’


He got enormous pleasure from this as Jackie’s face was still fully engulfed in her hanky.


Slightly surprised, she responded, ‘Yes, I’m afraid so.’


Wanting to seize the opportunity to continue the conversation, he offered to buy both girls a drink.


‘Why not?’ It was Susan who replied. ‘Two Bacardi Breezers, please. Watermelon.’


So that was what those vile-looking, fluorescent pink concoctions were. As Mike walked off to the bar, he heard Jackie’s nose once again venting it’s anger in another deep blow. This was turning into a heavenly evening - he just hoped his luck would hold out.


And it did, after a fashion. He would have been gratified to hear Jackie telling Susan she thought he looked quite appealing, and Susan encouraging Jackie to ‘just go for it, babe’ – but getting quick service at the bar was the next best thing. He ignored his mates’ snickers as he walked back to the table, head held high with a bright pink drink in each hand, and then sat down as close to Jackie as he could without making her feel uncomfortable.

He chatted with both women, who were really quite friendly. Though Susan seemed chattier than Jackie at first, the conversation flowed freely and all three of them were having a laugh. Mike was enjoying himself so much that he didn’t even notice the absence of sneezing from Jackie… until, fifteen minutes into the conversation her breath shortened again and her hand reached into the large pocket of her loose-fitting dress to retrieve a tissue.

She sneezed not once but twice. ‘Achoo! Ah-IT-chooo!’


She seemed embarrassed and tried to be discreet about relieving the irritation from her nose. Unfortunately, it was impossible to be circumspect, and Mike had a perfect close up view as she drew the tissue to her twitching nostrils and set about a glorious wet blow that seemed to go on forever. Jackie cleared one nostril at a time, her fingers manoeuvring her tissue with such precision that it left him almost as breathless as her.


Susan tried to carry on the conversation as though nothing was happening, but Mike couldn’t concentrate on anything else. Under the table, his erection was pressing hard and firm. The quick wank he’d enjoyed in the toilets earlier had done nothing to sate him - he wanted to take Jackie right there and then. How could he get them out of this pub, he wondered, as he watched an embarrassed-looking Jackie tucking her snot-lined tissue back into a pocket of her dress which was already bulging with content of a similar nature.

And before he could say anything at all, Jackie piped up and said, ‘It’s getting late – shall we move on?’

‘Okay,’ Susan replied. And then, with a quick wink to her friend, she invited Mike to come along with them for a night-cap.


Mike agreed and quickly said goodbye to his mates, whose replies were: ‘fuck off’ and ‘some people have all the luck’. Their good-natured smiles belied their words, however, and Mike left the pub in high spirits.


The girls shared a flat about three blocks away. As they walked, Mike wanted to let Jackie know that she was the one he wanted, so he put his arms around both the girls’ shoulders and, as they progressed, he moved his arm down around Jackie’s waist. It wasn’t long before – feeling bold – he slipped his hand lower down and gave her bottom a gentle squeeze. Jackie didn’t interrupt the flow of conversation, but immediately grabbed Mike’s hand to return it to her waist. What she didn’t realise, however, was that her fluid-filled tissue pressing against his hand would only heighten his desire for her.


As they continued to walk, Mike slipped his hand further around Jackie’s waist and slipped his hand into her pocket, deep into the pile of her used tissues. To his mind they were extremely wet and extremely sexy. Jackie, meanwhile, was blissfully unaware that he was groping her used tissues, and Mike wondered whether she would ask him to stay the night.


As soon as they arrived at the flat, Susan disappeared to the kitchen and fetched a bottle of champagne and three glasses. Mike made himself at home on the sofa next to Jackie. He felt a little nervous despite his excitement, and the alcohol helped him to relax. Everything seemed to be slipping into place; as soon as they’d finished up the champagne, Susan made her excuses and headed off to bed. She gave Jackie a knowing smile and then left them alone.


Jackie was now feeling horny. (Champagne always had that effect on her.) Even better, pollen was still bothering her allergic nose. Mike wondered whether Jackie also felt that they were in for an amazing night as she stood up and made her way to the coffee table. She was halfway to reaching him when her breathing grew shallow and her expression slackened in that way Mike knew only too well. He readied himself as she let loose some very sexy sneezes:


‘Aitchooo! AITCHooooo! ITCHoooooo!’


The display was made all the more appealing by the way her ample breasts bobbed up and down in her loose dress. He longed to reach out and catch them, to feel their warm weight in his palms, to find her nipples and roll them between his fingertips as they hardened beneath his touch.


Mike couldn’t resist. As Jackie apologised, bending over the table to pull a tissue from the box on the table, he rose and placed his hands gently around her waist from behind. As she stood readying the tissue for a snotty assault, she sneezed again, jerking her bottom full against Mike’s now overeager penis – “ITCH-hoooo!”.


As she blew her nose, Mike slipped his hand into Jackie’s pocket, kissing her neck as he did so and easing her bottom back against his rock hard member. Jackie let out a low moan, becoming increasingly aroused as she felt Mike’s heat pressing between her cheeks. She could feel Mike’s tongue tracing the contour of her earlobe and, closing her eyes, she turned to get closer to him. As she did so, she untied the scarf that had held her hair in place, and the dark, shiny locks spun loose to frame her face.


Jackie raised her hand to Mike’s face, planting a kiss on his lips. Unfortunately at that same moment her nose began to twitch. She tried desperately to stop herself, but it was a losing battle. Her mouth opened wider and her eyes slowly shut; Mike could feel her shallow breathing against his cheek and it turned him on no end. She let out a small mewling sound, more of a gasp really, and then Mike was in for another treat as she pulled the tissue she was still holding towards her flaring nostrils. Then, Jackie unleashed three beautiful sneezes full into the heart of her dampened Kleenex before blowing as hard as she could in an attempt to rid herself of the irritation. Mike was in heaven by this stage - he’d never seen a woman sneezing and blowing her nose this close to him before.


He dropped to his knees and eased his head under her skirt, gently taking the backs of her thighs in his hands. He caressed them slowly, moving his hands up and down their smooth, tanned length, each time nearing her bottom. He worked his way closer and closer, tonguing the insides of her thighs from underneath the shelter of her skirt, stopping only inches from her underwear.


He couldn’t help a satisfied smile as he felt Jackie’s thighs trembling under his touch, the scent of her sweetly filling up the small tent-like space Mike was nestled in. If she was in a state of high arousal at that moment, so was Mike, and yet he liked to think of himself as a generous lover. He wanted to fulfil his lover’s needs, to tease her a while longer, to make both their excitement rise even more. And so he kept on inching his way to her sex, slowly, gently, purposefully, until Jackie could stand it no longer and placed her hands on his head through the thin fabric of her skirt, drawing him nearer to her willing mound.


Mike smiled again. She was wearing a most enticing pair of white lace knickers, and even in the shadows, Mike could see her abundant pubic hair. Some of it was even straying though the lace fabric, as was an abundance of moisture that made him feel almost giddy with excitement. Mike ran his tongue up and down the material, tasting her, smelling her, wanting her so much he was beginning to ache. The warm scent of her within the enclosed space was getting him so excited he felt slightly drunk.

Slipping his hands under her underwear’s elastic, he sank his fingers into Jackie’s fleshy bottom, then gently pried her knickers off her. Quickly discarding the small swatch of white lace, he began teasing her again, tonguing all around her thighs before finally allowing himself to savour her pussy. He probed deeper, circling her clit whilst exploring her with his fingers, until her thighs were shaking quite badly and she could no longer contain her cries of pleasure. She was so wet, both of them were on a sexual high.

“I want you in me,” she whispered, hushed but filled with unmistakable urgency. “Now. Please?”

Mike felt her thighs shake again, but this time for a different reason.  As if she were issuing a final, finely attuned come-on, Jackie innocently gave out two full, wet sneezes into a fresh tissue hurriedly plucked from the box on the coffee table. She did her best to silence them as Mike finally came out from under her dress, blinking at the sudden change in lighting.

“Bless you,” Mike said as he watched Jackie giving her poor reddened nose what he hoped wouldn’t be her last blow of the day.

As she tucked her spent Kleenex into her pocket, which by then was truly bulging with content, Mike lifted her chin to observe her watery eyes and reddish nose. She blinked demurely up at him, and then he moved his lips to hers to engage in a tender kiss. Yet at that point, Mike was no longer in the mood for only playful tenderness: he wanted to climb more rungs on the lust ladder.

And so, being crafty, Mike turned his face slightly as they kissed. He wanted to explore a new angle – one that allowed him not only to get the full benefit of Jackie’s sensuous lips, but which also allowed him to rub his nose against hers while doing so. Rubbing softly, slowly, in a way that Mike couldn’t help imagining must be quite ticklish for one with a nose so sensitive already…

Jackie, none the wiser he could tell, was enjoying this immensely. But oh, how this most wonderful kiss was making her nose run… the poor girl seemed quite embarrassed, Mike noted, and felt bad for a moment at manipulating her thus. And yet… would this little trick make her sneeze again?

As she pulled away from Mike, sniffling, Jackie pointed to her bedroom door. He knew she was about to ask him to stay the night, and was about to nod his assent, only she abruptly turned away, giving a few increasingly frantic sniffles before bringing her hands up to her face. She stayed there for a moment, frozen as her shoulders tensed with the inevitable, and then she surrendered to what was obviously a truly dreadful tickle:

‘ASHOO!… aaaiiiIHTChooo!… oh…ASSSHOOOO!’


She just managed to catch the last sneeze in a fresh tissue that Mike passed to her. Grateful, she nodded and blew, the sound filling his ears and hardening his erection anew. He couldn’t believe how much snot this woman could produce as she let go of blow after full-bodied blow. He watched her shift her fingers from one nostril to the other as she did so and thought, If only she knew how sexy she sounds!


As her hands fell away from her face, she smiled at Mike, reaching out her hand to his.


‘Terribly sorry about that,’ she said, ‘I couldn’t help myself. Do you still want to…’ her eyes darted towards the bedroom.


Mike smiled in turn. ‘Of course.’ She was so beautiful to him right at that moment – had she really thought he might give a different answer? Did she really think he thought her ugly just because she sneezed?


Clutching her hand, he could feel the warmth and wetness of her dampened tissue as she led him into her bedroom. Jackie removed her dress over her head to reveal a less than perfect body – her breasts hung slightly and her hips were too narrow for conventional tastes – but to Mike she was absolutely beautiful. Mike took off his shirt, revealing his own less-than-perfect body, but Jackie seemed ready to forgive any small blemishes, instead focussing on his tanned physique.


In a heartbeat, their lips locked in a full passionate kiss. The time for preliminaries was past - Mike gently eased Jackie onto the bed, and as he slipped off his pants to reveal his rigid member, Jackie’s eyes grew bigger and her mouth hung slightly open. Her dilated pupils drove him wild and he feasted on her breasts, giving her nipples a tongue bath that would have driven any woman wild. When he stopped, he noticed that her mouth was still slightly open and he was congratulating himself, only he then saw her roll to her side and stretch out her hand to snatch a tissue from the box on her night table.


Mike knew instantly what was about to happen, and knew also where he wanted to be when it occurred. He quickly got on top of her, easing himself into her lush wetness, driving deep into her just in time.


‘Aichoo! ITChoo!’


Jackie lay flat on her back, readying her hanky as Mike continued to thrust into her.


Drawing her Kleenex to her nose with both hands and giving it a long blow, her head seemed to move in time to Mike’s rhythmic probing. He knew he couldn’t hold back for much longer. Underneath him he felt Jackie’s body quiver as she was coming close to her own climax. Instinctively he reached out a hand to touch the warm, wet tissue she’d hastily discarded. That one touch was all it took to push him over the edge and he came inside her. His body arched and he sensed her buck beneath him. Her lips opened and she released a low moan of satisfaction.

Mike rolled over on the bed, a smile of contentment spreading across his face. He wondered if Jackie had even guessed what had helped to turn him on? Did it even matter, as long as they could both get pleasure from each other? And then all these thoughts left him, replaced by something more base and predictable: He wondered what her allergies were like first thing in the morning.