ATTACK OF THE SNEEZING TECHNOPHOBES -
SNOW, CHAMPAGNE AND SNEEZES (PART II)
(But we drank all the Champagne last
Alone. Strange bed. Strange bedroom. Where was I?
Then I flopped back on the bed and smiled at the
memory. Snowbound with two gorgeous, sexy, sneezy ladies. What a
I was alone now, though.
What day was it? Monday.
I turned to look at the clock on the cabinet by the side of the bed.
Bollocks! Nine o’ clock. I was going to be late for work.
I got up and took a peek through the curtains.
Bloodyhellfire! It was snowing again, just as bad as it had been the previous day. I could see my car though the window and it was totally covered. You could tell it was a car, but you couldn’t tell what make it was.
A day off work? I would have thought so. I’d have needed a snow-plough just to get my car off Win’s drive.
I donned my clothes and stumbled downstairs.
Win and Rebecca were in the dining area of Win’s kitchen. Win was sitting at the pine table and Rebecca was standing facing her.
As I entered the room, Rebecca turned to face me and smiled. “Hello, sleepyhead.”
“Hello yourself. Why didn’t you wake me?”
“Well,” grinned Win, “You had a busy night, so we thought we’d let you have a lie-in.”
“Anyway,” I walked over to Rebecca and put my arms around her waist. She put her arms around my neck. I looked into her eyes. “Good morning.”
We had a long, slow, sensual kiss. Monday mornings? Can’t fault ‘em!
Then I disentangled myself from Rebecca and walked over to Win to say good morning to her. As I did so I noticed that Rebecca was looking at me in a way.
It looked like we were going to carry on from where we’d left off the night before!
I meandered over to where Win was sitting. She looked up and I gave her a kiss as well.
I returned to Rebecca’s side. She was still looking at me in that way. She leaned against me as if we were on a crowded subway train.
“I guess we’re not going to work today then.”
There were all sorts of reasons why my randy- sorry- ready intelligence came to this conclusion. A sled and a team of huskies couldn’t have got us to the office that morning. It was too late to have gotten to work on time, even if the weather hadn’t been the way it was.
Also, Win and Rebecca were not dressed in a way that suggested they were about to embark on the start of a working week.
Win was wearing a tight black leather skirt and a low-cut white blouse. I’d never seen her wear anything that revealed her cleavage before, and her figure was doing wonders for it.
Rebecca bore description too. She was wearing a figure-hugging rose-pink T-shirt and spray-on light blue jeans. No bra! Hardly the kind of attire to be wearing first thing on a Monday morning. Or was it?
All sorts of things about the way Rebecca was looking at me were making it difficult for me to concentrate.
“Have you rung the office?” I managed to stammer.
“Yes,” replied Win. There’s a recorded message telling the staff not to bother trying to get in this morning. The radio says this is the most snowfall Manchester’s had since records began. They’re begging people to stay at home. The gritters put salt on the roads but some of the snow that’s melted has frozen again, and now it’s snowing again over that. Manchester’s little more than a gigantic ice skating rink. We’d probably get hypothermia just getting to the car! I’m afraid we’re stuck here. We’ll have to think of something else to do,” she added, with a decidedly mischievous expression on her face.
All this time Rebecca was rubbing herself against me. The she turned towards me and put her arms around my neck again.
She put her lips to mine and gave me another long slow sensual kiss. Then we engaged in a spot of mutual bum-fondling.
From behind me I heard Win snap her fingers and say, “That’s a good idea! Now, why didn’t I think of that?”
Then she said, “Hang on. Wait a minute, you two. BREAK!”
We pulled apart and stood facing Win, with our arms behind our backs like a couple of scolded children.
“I’ve just thought of something. It was John’s voice on the answer machine.”
“It’s always John’s voice on the answer machine. He’s the boss and he gets to record the answer machine message.”
“But,” persisted Win, “It was a specific message to do with the weather. It said something like, ‘Due to the inclement weather, staff are advised that they need not attend the office today.’”
“So,” I asked, “What’s your point?”
“I think I know what she means,” interjected Rebecca, “If John’s recorded a new answer machine message, he must have been able to get in to the office to do it.”
“Not a chance,” I replied. “John lives even further from the office than you do and he hasn’t got a car either; not that that would do him any good in this lot.”
“But,” insisted Win, “he must have been able to get into work to record a new message.”
“No,” I explained, “He will have recorded a new message by remote.”
“What? How?” asked Win.
“Well, what he will have done was dial the office number, then he will have entered a PIN number in his own ‘phone that will have allowed him to record a new message on the office answer machine from his own home.”
“Wow!” exclaimed Win. “Isn’t modern technology wonderful? Our office answer machine must have cost a bomb.”
“Not really, most modern answer machines have a remote facility.”
“What, mine as well?”
“Probably. What make is it?”
“I dunno, I’ll go and have a look.”
She got up and disappeared into the living room.
Meanwhile it seemed that Rebecca had contracted desert disease as she afflicted me with her wandering palms.
I heard Win call from the living room. “It’s a BT Synergy 2150. I’ve got the instructions here.”
“Bring ‘em in then.”
Rebecca broke off and put her arms behind her back guiltily as Win returned with the instructions. They were still sealed up. She sat back at the table.
“You’ve never opened these have you?” I accused her.
“Nope,” she smiled.
“Well, how did you mange to record your own answer machine message without looking at the instructions?”
“I haven’t,” replied Win sheepishly, “I use the one that came with it. It goes,” she mimicked the sing-song voice of all factory-set default messages, “‘ We’re sorry we cannot take your call at the moment. Please leave your message after the tone.’ Actually, I quite like it.”
“Yeah, ‘cos it sounds posh! How did you enter the time and date then?”
“I didn’t. Is that what that flashing light means?” She pointed to the hand set.
“Yup” I confirmed. “Anyway, you should personalise your answer machine’s message so people who are ringing you know they’ve got the right number.”
“You’re right! Never thought of that!”
She ripped open the plastic covering the instructions.
“Will you help me?”
Both I and Rebecca moved over to where Win was sitting. Rebecca moved to Win’s right and put her arm around the back of Win’s chair.
I moved to Win’s left and I put my arm around her as well. I looked over Win’s shoulder and down her cleavage. Win caught the front of my jeans with her right arm and looked up at me with a knowing smile.
Then she turned her gaze back to the instructions.
“This booklet smells funny.”
Then she looked above her and began to drum her fingers on the table.
“An’…I’m gonna sneeze! AT...NEEUWW!!”
Rebecca bent down and breathed in Win’s ear. “Bless, you, love!”
She began to massage her left breast. I then started to nibble Win’s ear as I massaged her right breast.
“Wait, I’m not done yet!”
We didn’t wait.
Win held onto the table.
Win, when she’d recovered, proceeded to read from the instructions. “‘Press “Options” to open the main menu. Press “Options” until the display flashes ““TAM Setting.” ”
Win looked up at me suddenly and caught me looking down her blouse. She poked the tip of her tongue out at me but pulled her blouse down showing even more of her cleavage. “What’s “TAM” mean, precious?”
“I think it means ‘telephone answer machine,’ ” I managed to reply.
She returned her gaze back to the instructions and carried on reading. I carried on nibbling, and Rebecca carried on fondling.
“‘Press the ‘Options’ button again,’… mmm… that feels nice…wait…will you two stop it for a second? I can’t concentrate! Don’t you think I’m feeling sexy enough as it is?”
“No,” I told her.
“Nor do I,” growled Rebecca. “A woman can never feel too sexy. Leave that thing alone and come and play. ”
“No,” Win persisted. “I want to see how this works…”
Then she put the tip of her middle finger to her nose, and made a small circular rubbing motion. “I warn you; if you’re not careful I might have to sneeze on you.”
Then she took her finger from her nose and waved her hands dramatically in front of her face while jigging up and down in her chair, causing her breasts to wobble like a pair of jellies in a high wind.
She may have been faking; I’m not sure, but Rebecca put her finger under Win’s nose which caused Win to giggle. Then she turned back to the manual and resumed her reading.
“I’ve lost my place now,” she whined petulantly. “No I haven’t; here it is. ‘You will then see “Recording.” You should record your message now.’ Oh, my nose! ‘Press “6” to end recording. Your message will then play back automatically.’”
Win moved into the living room and we followed.
We heard her say, “My nose is still tickling!”
Win stood facing her ‘phone, with her back towards us.
Rebecca leaned against me and again began rubbing her luscious body against mine. Then she tugged at my sleeve and I looked down at her. Her nose was twitching and she was rubbing it with her index finger.
Then, all at once, Win announced, “D’you know, I don’t know what’s wrong with us this morning.”
If Rebecca was going to sneeze, this rather odd comment drove it away.
Rebecca and I looked at each other querulously.
I don’t think I’d ever felt as good on a Monday morning.
She turned around to face us and continued “I wonder why we’re all so frisky this morning.”
“Well,” purred Rebecca, smiling knowingly, “I know you’re hardly frigid are you, darling? And I’m always frisky!”
“I know! Card tricks turn you on,” grinned Win, “but for me, sex is always the furthest thing from my mind on a Monday morning. But this morning…”
She certainly did have a rather glazed expression all of a sudden, and I could see her stiff nipples protruding through the fabric of her blouse.
“Well,” suggested Rebecca, “This is a different Monday morning, isn’t it? You’re not under any pressure. You don’t have to dash about going to work…”
“I’ve got a good excuse as well,” I interjected, “being alone in a house with two women like you does it for me every time, even on a Monday morning.”
Win looked knowingly at the bulge in my jeans. “I think we’re going to have to do something for this lad as well. Trouble is, I don't feel like sneezing for him yet.”
I was going to say that I was so turned on that I didn’t need her to sneeze, but Win interrupted me and said to Rebecca, “I’m surprised at you, Rebecca. You’re usually good for a sneeze or two, first thing in the morning.” Then she paused and said, “Oh, oh…”
She smiled and I looked at Rebecca.
She was still clinging to me and she was scratching her nose again with her forefinger.
“Oh, Win,” she said, “Oh… Atishoo?”
“Yeah, that’s right. Atishoo. Go on, Rebecca!”
“Oh, sneeze,” squeaked Rebecca, trying to encourage herself.
I, of course, was on the point of creaming my jeans!
Win was also writhing like an electric eel. She played unconvincingly with the pendant that lay helplessly on her cleavage. She had it in between her thumb and forefinger but, I couldn’t help noticing her other three fingers were sliding imperceptibly inside her blouse.
“Have I done it for you now, love?” she asked.
“Yeah,” gasped Rebecca. “you…you’ve really done huh.. it n…now…!”
Win bit her lip in anticipation. Rebecca was rubbing herself against me like a cat waiting for its dinner. I, in turn fondled her wonderful tight buttocks.
“A… TISHHOOO!!! Oh, God bless me!”
“Oh, God!” smiled Win. “can’t you two control yourself for a even a minute!”
“No we can’t!” exclaimed Rebecca. “And if somebody doesn’t fuck me soon I think I’ll explode. Anyway, you’re a fine one to talk!”
Rebecca had a point. In addition to running the fingers of her left hand down her blouse her right hand was straying down the front of her tight black leather skirt.
“Put that fuckin’ instruction book down and come over here and join us!” growled Rebecca.
“No I’m not,” said Win, removing her hands; this time the guilty one. “I want to get this answer machine message recorded.”
“Jesus, Win,” I gasped. “can’t it wait?”
“No it can’t,” insisted Win, “I’ve got my message all worked out and if I don’t do it now I’ll forget what I was going to say. You look after Rebecca. She looks like she needs you!”
Rebecca pinched her nose. “I need to sneeze!”
Win ignored her. “Go on, start, without me.”
Rebecca looked me in the face and twitched her beautiful nose.
Then Win said, “But don’t make any noise while I’m recording.”
Rebecca shook her head in frustration as Win tuned her back to us and faced the ‘phone. “You must be joking.” whispered Rebecca, more to me than Win.
Win then opened the ‘phone instruction manual out and began to read from it again. I was still watching Rebecca who continued to twitch her nose in the most comical fashion.
“‘Press the ‘options’ button again. You will then see “Recording”. You should record your message now. Press “6” to end recording. Your message will then play back automatically.’ Right, quiet, you two, I’m going to record a message.
The hand set beeped a couple of times as she pressed the keys. Then she began to speak. “Hi, this is Win…”
Her eyes opened wide in panic. Her eyebrows raised and her brow furrowed. She flared her nostrils and her breasts began to heave. She put her forefinger under her nose but still carried on defiantly.
“I’m suh.. sorry I can’t get to the… the… fuh… ‘phone cos I… I…GONNNASNEEZE!!! A…AITCH… NITCH…NEEEUUWWW!!!”
She must have pressed button 6 as she sneezed, because we instantly heard one of the most unique telephone answer machine outgoing messages ever played.
“Hi, this is Win…I’m suh.. sorry I can’t get to the… the… fuh… ‘phone cos I… I…GONNNASNEEZE!!! A…AITCH… NITCH…NEEEUUWWW!!!”
All three of us collapsed into gales of laughter.
Rebecca clapped her hands. “That’s brilliant, Win. You’ve got to keep it!”
“I can’t keep that,” exclaimed Win. “People’ll think I’m crazy!”
“Well, you’d better record another message now.”
“Why? You see, I think the problem is…is that I think… oh dear!” Win’s nose twitched and she held it between her thumb and forefinger. “ I’b sure it’s the sbell of dis pabphlet that’s baking be… HUP… NEUWW!!!...Sdeeze!”
She handed the pamphlet to Rebecca. “Here,” she said, “see if makes you sneeze.”
Rebecca took the instruction manual from Win but said, “Yeah, but even if it doesn’t make me sneeze, I can’t very well record your answer machine message for you can I? It’s got to be you that does it.”
Win began ‘playing’ with her pendant again. “I’m not bothered about that, “she said, through gritted teeth. “I just want to see you sneeze.”
“You’re a minx, you are. You just… Oooo! I don't know! It’s working on me as well! I…Oh… gonna… bless me… ATCHOO!!! ATCHOO!!! A...TISH…CHOO!!!”
“Bless you!” said Win.
Rebecca’s nose was still twitching and she rubbed it with her finger.
“I’m gonna have to bless you again, aren’t I?
Rebecca gave a high-squeaked, “yeh.”
“Cuz, you can’t bless yourself.”
“I can. I can buh…bless… myself if I wuh-want…
“You’re all hot and bothered now, aren’t you?” suggested Win with a provocative smile.
“I’ve been all hot and bothered all morning. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, and I’ll tell you something else; I’m so sexed up now, if you leave it much longer you’ll have the sound of me coming on your answer machine. You wouldn’t want that, now, would you?”
That didn’t sound like such a bad idea to me. I put my arms around Rebecca from behind and pressed my erection into her bum. Then I massaged her breasts and began to kiss her neck.
“Oh, no,” she gasped, “don’t…stop”.
Win advanced, with a wicked grin on her face and the telephone in her hand.
“Do you know? I don’t think that’s such a bad idea!”