Sure Thing


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“What I would like is an escort who’ll dress causally, take me to a bar where we can listen to some really evil music and then come back to my hotel and spend the night. What I want is a sure thing.” 

“I’ve go the very girl for you. In fact she’s the only girl I’ve got who would fit your bill. Her name…is Paige” 

And this is how I come to be sitting in a bar in a town I’ve never been in before and sat next to a beautiful, busty, petite blond.

I don’t do much travelling any more. I usually get away with leaving all that to my sales manager. Since, though, my company was buying another company, this deal seemed to call for the personal touch.

I was booked into an old hotel in the quaint old North Lancashire town of Willyeckerslike. Now residents of Willyeckerslike and people who know it may tell you that it’s a lovely place to visit and, maybe it is.  But I’d no desire to spend the evening on my own in a town I’d never been to, so my sales manger put me in touch with an escort agency. He told me he uses them all the time. I’m paying him too much, the sly dog!

“You know, I really like this place!” I told her

“So do I. I come her all the time when I’m not working. I’d never imagined I’d be bringing a client in here, though. All my clients are “suits” who want to go to posh restaurants and cocktail bars. I’ve never known a client who’s wanted me to take him to somewhere like this where he’s likely to get his ears assaulted by AC/DC and the like. (The jukebox was actually playing “Hell’s Bells” at this moment.)

I’m a 'suit'”, I insisted, “But I don’t relax in my working clothes. I can’t understand anybody who would want to. I can afford to do pretty much what I want in my own time when I don't have to create an image for anybody.”

“This is place is definitely you isn’t it. You could probably have clicked in here anyway without spending lots of money on an escort.”

“Yeah and I might not. I wanted a sure thing.”

“Well, I must say, it makes a change for me to be able to dress the way that I’m doing tonight and be with a client.”

She looked ok to me. She was wearing a white denim shirt with pearl poppers and a black leather mini-skirt.

“Well, I think you look terrific!”

She screwed up her cute little face and said, “Thanks! Now, is there anything special you like?”

I must say this question flummoxed me for a bit. I hadn’t intended my fetish to be part of this deal. “Er…er…” I stammered. “I like big boobs”.

I’ve got big boobs!” she wiggled them at me provocatively for good measure.

“Actually, I didn’t ask for a girl with big boobs,” I told her. “I just asked for a girl who would know enough to be able to take me to a place like this. I kind of assumed you’d be sexually attractive you being a …”

“Yes, go on. Me being a…?”

I was in danger of painting myself into a corner. “You know. You doing what you do.”

“Actually, we haven’t all got big boobs. Not all men like big boobs you know.”

“Don't they?” I said, feigning shock. To be honest I don't aspire to this more-than-a-handful’s-a waste theory. So I was lucky there, then. I ‘d also thought I’d managed to steer away from what was, for me, going to be a rather embarrassing subject. No such luck.

“I would agree with you that most men do like big boobs, though. So it’s not special is it? I was talking about something special. Most of my clients like to indulge in something exotic. I won't do absolutely anything but…hey, you’re blushing!”

She put her had on my face. “That is sooo cute!”

“But I wasn’t going to ask you to do anything exotic,” I protested.

“Oh, come on. I can see there’s something. You can tell me. I’ve probably seen it all anyway. There isn’t really a problem, honestly. Look, I’m very discreet and, anyway, we’ve never met before; we’re not likely to meet again, so who am I going to tell?”

“But I’ve never told anybody…”

“How am I going to indulge you if you won’t tell me what it is?”

“I didn’t mean you to indulge me in that way. Anyway, you might indulge me by accident.”

“You’ve really got to tell me now. I’m on the edge of my seat!”

I gave in. What the hell. “It’s sneezing.”

I didn't say it particularly loud and what I said was probably drowned by a crescendo blasting out of the speakers in the bar.


The crescendo was the fault of Led Zeppelin and when Led Zeppelin crescendo, it means big finish.

“I SAID SNEEZING !”  I shouted. Unfortunately, the big finish had finished.

My new friend squealed with laughter and put both hands over her mouth.


“Yeah, I get off on women sneezing.”

She slowly drew her hands form her mouth and her mouth and eyes widened in astonishment. Then she looked straight ahead and she looked back at me, quickly, as if to check to with herself that I was still there and still real.

Sneezing hey? Well, well, well. I guess I haven’t heard it all after all.” Again she looked ahead as if she was mulling the idea around in her pretty little head.

"Sneezing.” She jumped up and turned back to face me. “I think I can see it!”

“See what?”

“I can see how there would be something sexual about sneezing. I’ve never thought about it like that before.”

Well, who would?

“Yeah…” she seemed deep in thought. “Hmmm…yeah. I can do that. I don't mind doing that. See, it wasn’t so painful after all. Listen. I tell you what. There’s a tobacconists across the road. I’ll go and buy some snuff.” She looked at her watch. “But I’m afraid we’ll have to go now. The tobacconist shuts in ten minutes.”

“That’s ok, I assured here. We couldn’t stay much longer anyway. There’s a time limit for us to check in at the hotel by.”

“Right, then!” she slapped both hands down on her seat, all business. “Let’s do this thing.”

We both stood up and she put her arms around my waist and pulled me towards her. “This is going to be good! I must say, I’m getting rather excited at the thought! I hope you’re glad you told me now, coz I am.”

I’ve never had sex as a commercial transaction before and, I’m afraid I was a bit cynical. “You getting excited? Why?”

“At the thought of doing something new.”

She led me out of the bar and into the street. “Where is your car?”

I pointed to it. I’d managed to park right outside the door. She smiled. “Hmm. A Jag. It doesn't suit you, you know.”

“Actually, it’s a Daimler. And it suits me when I’m a suit.”

“Well, you start her up and I’ll go across to the tobacconists and get the snuff.”

I did as I was told to do and a couple of minutes later she cavorted back across the road and sat beside me. She brandished a tin of McCrystal’s snuff. “This ought to do the trick!” she dropped the tin into her hand bag and pointed ahead. “Right! Onward!”

I pulled away from the kerb and minutes later we were bowling along a dark country road.

“God! I am soo hot!” she announced. I decided that she was referring to the heat and managed to keep my cynicism under control. After all this was mid-August and we were in the middle of a mini heat wave. Although it was turned ten at night the temperature was still well over seventy. It turned out I was right.

“Do you want me to turn the air conditioning on?”

“Yes, please, she said. “Otherwise I may expire on you.” I pushed the AC button and she gave a pleasured sigh as cool air blew through the vents. “That’s better," she purred. Then she slid her hand underneath my left knee, at the same time rubbing her forearm against my crotch.

“You say you’ve got a thing for big boobs?”

“Er, yeh.” It was a good job there was no other traffic on the road.

“Well, I’m going to undo the top buttons of my shirt. I want to feel this lovely cool air on my chest. So don't worry if you want to stop in a lay by or something. Just ask. There’s nothing as erotic as sex in the back of a big car. There’s just something about…Eeeww! I don't believe it!

“What? What’s the matter?”

“I’m gonna sneeze!”

“What??? Why?? It can’t be the snuff, can it?”

“No it…oh, dear.” Her voice became a breathy whisper.

“It’s still in its cellophane,” I said.

“I know. But I feel like I have to sneeze. I d…don’t know…OH! AH…TISH… SHEEW! OH!”

She’d still got her arm wrapped around my leg.

“You weren’t kidding about the sneezing were you??”

“Well, I did say…”

“Look, I really don’t mind if we stop. We would have time to wouldn't we?”

I was past caring.

She carried on. “This is getting to me a bit as well.” I looked at her and she rolled her eyes. “Listen. I’m starting to get a bit fruity as well. I really wouldn’t mind if we stopped. Can we stop at the next car park, please?”

Of course, I thought this was all part of the treatment. But, I must say, I was still impressed, despite my cynicism. I’d paid a lot of money but this performance was well worth it.

“You know, you’re very good!”

“Hey! This isn’t an act you know. I am human. I’m not a robot! I may do what I do, but even we get horny form time to time!” She delivered the sentence like a fist.

“I’m sorry. I thought…”

She interrupted me with a squeal of urgency: “Here!!! Here!!!”

I nearly missed it. A blue parking sign loomed towards us in the dark and I swerved in to a car park completely surrounded by trees. I slewed to a halt in a hail of gravel.

Quickly, she kicked off her shoes and put her hands up her skirt and removed her panties and, discreetly shoved them into my glove box.

“Come on,” She ordered. “Let’s get in the back!”

She had me lay on my back on the rear seat and struggled to undo my belt and pull down my jeans. I was looking up at her as she did so. She was biting her lip with the effort. She still had the top buttons of her shirt undone and her breasts wobbled in front of my face.

When she finally pulled my jeans down to my ankles she growled, “Right!”, in triumph. She then lowered herself on me but, as she did so, she put her finger under her nose.

“Oh,” she gasped, “I’m gonna sneeze again.” She tried to stifle. “ Ahh.. tichh… Ahh… tichsch!” Each time she sneezed, she gripped me like a warm friendly hand. “Ahh… Hah.. nitcsh!”

This was all too much for me and I exploded into her. She then lay with her head on my shoulder and I said, “We’d better get going before it comes back again.”

She grinned at me. “Do you think it might?” she asked.

“I think it definitely might! And I really don't want to so late that I can’t check in at the hotel.”

“Ok, I’ll try not to sneeze any more.”

“It’s not just that. You’re a very attractive woman as well.” She was sat on her seat and her mini skirt rode up her legs as she brushed gravel from the bottom of her feet.

“Well we can’t help that,” she said and my eyes popped as I looked at her cleavage while she bent to put her shoes back on.

I eased the car out of the car park and back onto the road.

I must have lapsed into thought as she said, “Come on. If you don't want it to come back again, stop daydreaming and talk to me. How did you find out about us?”

“My sales manager put me onto you.”

“Hmm. I wonder if I know him. What kind of car does he drive?”

“He’s got a silver Renault Laguna Estate.”

“What? Hang on a minute. He’s your sales manager, you’ve got a Daimler and he’s got a poxy Renault?!”

“Hey! Less of the poxy!” I protested. “He loves his Laguna. It’s a three litre and it cost me a fortune!”

”What do you mean? Oh, yeah. He’s your sales manger because you own the company don't you?”

I smiled at the temporary misunderstanding. I couldn’t resist turning the small talk back to recent events. “I wonder what it was that caused you to sneeze. Then of all times. I mean it was one hell of a coincidence. Do you sneeze a lot?”

She rubbed her nose vigorously as if to test. “No, not really. I don't know. Perhaps it was some kind of auto-suggestion. We were talking about sneezing and I just sneezed. I’m wondering, though; whether it has something to do with the air conditioning. Perhaps that's what irritated my nose.”

“Do you want me to turn it off?”

“No. I don't. It’s boiling." She flashed a smile at me. "If I sneeze again, you’re just gonna have to control yourself, aren’t you? I’ve been wondering if the air conditioning has something to do with my getting all frisky as well.”

I was happy to let her chatter on.

“I’m sorry I had a go at you for not believing me earlier ... you know, when I said I was getting turned on. You’re almost right anyway. I do occasionally get a bit randy when I’m with a client, but it’s not very often.” She smiled at me. "There's definitely something unique about tonight though. You see I got randy after we met. On the odd occasions that I have felt fruity in the past it's always been before I've met the client. With you it’s different.”

“Haven’t you ever been in a car with air conditioning, then?”

She pursed her lips. “I must have. This may be a Daimler, but amongst my clients it’s fairly run-of-the-mill. I think it might be more to do with the idea of something as innocent as sneezing being associated with sex.”

I think she would have said more, but by then we had at arrived at the hotel and I swung the car in front of the main entrance of what was, in fact, an old converted country mansion.

She opened her handbag, retrieved the snuff and unwrapped the cellophane. She decided to dispose of the cellophane in the door pocket. If she’d decided to put it in the glove compartment she would have remembered her knickers. And so would I!

I went round to her side of the car and opened the door for her. As she got out her skirt rode up again giving me a delicious view of her bare bottom. Ever the gentleman, I pulled her skirt down for her and she flashed a grin of gratitude.

We walked into the reception area but the desk was un-manned. I was beginning to fear that I had missed the check in deadline after all but the area was illuminated and there was a door to the back, which seemed to be leading to a room that also had a light on.

“Hello?” I ventured.

A lady’s voice came singing back at me from the room at the back of the reception area. “With you in a tick love!”

I felt a tug at my sleeve. My new friend was smiling at me and I was struck for the first time at how young she was.

“Watch this!” she whispered. She then opened the tin off snuff, emptied a portion onto her hand, and blew it into the air behind the reception desk. Not a second too soon as the disembodied voice acquired a body. A very curvy body at that. She did seem to have a local North Lancashire accent but she looked to be of Mediterranean decent. She was wearing a low-cut black dress and her black hair was tied back behind her ears in a ponytail. 

“I have a reservation for tonight.”

I flashed my credit card and she said: “Ah, yes, I’ll get you your key.” She turned away and fished a key from a series of pigeon holes behind her. When she turned back to face me her nose was definitely twitching as her nostrils were assailed by the snuff my young minx had so mischievously blown into the air.

She handed me the keys, “Go into the lift to the third floor and…oh, excuse my I…itchs chew! Itch…chew…ah…itch chew!!! Oh! Exceeuse ME! I don't know where that came from. Right, you take the lift to the third floor go all the way down the corridor and it’s the last door on the right.”

We walked over to the lift and I pressed the button. While standing facing the lift doors we had our backs to the receptionist. From over my shoulder I heard, “Ah… itch choo!!!!  ITCH CHEW!!! AH…AH…ITCH CHEEW!!!

I felt my companion link her arm with mine and rock with silent laughter. Presently the lift doors opened and in we went. “You know she sneezes a bit like M. Looks like her too.”

“Who’s Em?”

The doors opened and we stepped out and walked along the corridor. “Not Em. M. She’s…” she tightened her grip on my arm and pulled me to a halt. “Oh, it’s gone up by dose. It’s making me want to sneeze!" She turned her head into my chest and let loose a squeaky stifle. “ Tch Nueew! Now that was the snuff!”

“Serves you right for blowing it at that poor woman.”

“Well, some of you doesn’t seem to be objecting. Do you think you’ll be able to mange to make it to the room?" She flashed another of her devilish smiles at me.

“As long as you don’t sneeze again.”

“I’ll try dot to." She sounded breathy and she put her finger under her nose, presumably to stop herself from sneezing again. This wasn’t helping, but I decided not to complicate things by telling her .The room seemed about half a mile away. I tried to distract myself by resorting to small talk.

“So who’s Em then?”

“She’s the owner of the agency. You will have spoken to her when you booked your evening with me. We all call her ‘Mother’. ‘M’ is short for ‘Mother’.”

I hadn’t met her. The business was all done over the telephone. “Reminds me of MI5. That’s what they used to call Stella Rimmington.”

We had now made it to the door at last and I was fiddling with the key. “Who’s Stella Rimmington?” she asked.

“She was the chief of MI5”

“You know the head of MI5! Just who are you??”

“Well, I’ve met her a couple of times. It’s her ex-husband I know. He’s got a bungalow near where I live.”

Finally I managed to get the door open and I leapt onto the bed and sat up against the pillows. “Sanctuary at last.”

She climbed onto the bed and knelt by my side. Wasting no time, she opened her handbag and retrieved the tin of snuff from within. Expertly she flicked the lid with her thumb and forefinger.

“You seem to know what you’re doing,” I told her.

“Yes,” she replied, “My granddad takes snuff. You have to flick the tin to stop it from sticking to the lid.” With that, she sprinkled the fine brown powder onto the back of her hand and sniffed. Immediately her eyes began to flicker and her nose twitched.

“Is it working?”

She nodded. “Oh, yeah. I can feel it tickling ooh…my nose. I’m gonna sneeze.” She looked me in the face and said, “I am as well…I… OH! Ah…AHH… AHH….? Oh, what’s that bloody noise?”

A low rumbling sound interrupted the spell. It seemed to be coming from somewhere outside. “It sounds like someone dragging a wheelie-bin.” I suggested.

“Who’s dragging wheelie bins around at this time of night?”

There was another low rumble from outside.

“I wish they’d stop with the wheelie bins,” she grumbled. “It’s putting me off my sneezing.”

It suddenly stopped being light.

She went towards the window and I followed. Opening the curtains we were greeted by an enormous flash of lightning. She turned around and gave me an excited grin. “It’s a storm!”

I put my arms around her waist and she pushed her lovely bottom into my crotch. Then, dramatically her breath began to hitch. “Oh…it’s no good…I’ve got to sneeze again… gonna… gonna huh…HAH… AH..CHOOOO!!!”

“God! I want you now!”

“Let’s get back to… ACTH CHEWW!!! Bed!”

We almost fell over each other as we dived for the bed. I scrambled urgently to get out of my jeans as she threw herself by my side and pulled me around on top of her. Then she flashed another of her devilish smile. “Er, you do know…by dose… it it…itching again."

“Oh. God!” I begged. “Don’t stop!”

“But, Darling. I might sneeze!. Oh, wait a minute. I am as well. I have …to… sne… AH.. TICCH…CHEEEWW!!!”

I thrust into her desperately. She was warm and inviting and each time she sneezed I could feel every movement of her body. It seemed to spur me to thrust even harder.

“Oh, man! You’re gonna make me come!!! she screamed after several minutes of this,  which was exactly what I was going to say, only when I opened my mouth the only sounds that came out were: “OH!!! OH!!! OHHHH!!!

The night went all too quickly. The following morning I ordered a taxi for her and I went to my business meeting.

Business conducted, I was driving home with feelings of some regret that I might not see her again. My musings were interrupted by my mobile ‘phone ringing. I gave the hands-free mobile ‘phone voice command to answer.

“Hello? This is M from the agency. Er, you need to look in your glove compartment. Paige has left her knickers in there like a berk!”

"Does she want them back?”

“No, not really.” I was disappointed. I thought I was being given an invitation to meet her again. “No. I didn't want you to suffer any embarrassment if you gave one of you clients a lift and they opened your glove compartment to find a pair of Paige’s frilly knickers.”

“Why didn’t she ring me herself?”

“Because I wouldn’t give her your ‘phone number. It’s confidential. She’s here with me though.”

“Are you ok? You sound a bit hoarse.”

“She’s been giving me some of that snuff. I’ve never had any before and I’ve been dying for a sneeze ever since!”

“Oh. Paige don't! You’ll set me off.”

From the background I heard: "AH ASHOOO!!!”

M took up the cudgel: “ Atchew…atchew…attich..chew!”

“Look, M, can you send me a business card? My address is…”