Sneezy's Notepad


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Dear Doc,

I thought you were going to HELP me. I came to you about three years ago for this problem with my nose. I sat on your table, bleary eyed, my nose red and swollen, and you said you could fix it. Well??

Let me give you a run-down of the typical morning in my house. The alarm goes off, and I roll over and grab the tissue box. I blow, blow, blow for dear life until I can breathe tolerably enough to get up. I stumble into the bathroom and take my medicine. Then I wait. And I wait. And while I wait, I sneeze. And I sneeze. Do you know what it feels like when you can't stop sneezing? I bet you don't. You're out of breath, your stomach hurts, and your nose feels like a bag of wet sand with ants crawling around inside. It's torture!

For example, I was sitting at the office today, typing up reports. I'd been sniffly and snuffly all day, occasionally rubbing my itchy, tickly nose... knowing it was only a matter of time. I had just started a new set, when suddenly I had to sneeze! We're not talking an 'it would be nice' or 'why don't I'... we're talking a deep, burning need to sneeze. My breath started doing the "Huh... huh..." thing. I hitched, and I gasped, and I wheezed for almost a full minute! (When you need to sneeze, that's a REALLY long time...) Then, finally - "HAASHHOO! UHH-IISHOO! UUTTCCHEW!" I sprayed everywhere, all over the files and the papers, pens, even the stapler.

The girl at the next desk leaned out of her cubicle for an, "Oh dear. Bless you." But I couldn't even thank her. My nose was already gearing up for another go-round. I fired off another four before I could stop for a breath. And that breath was spent on another quick sneeze. My glasses were falling off, so I just took them and put them on my desk. I got some tissues from the endless supply I always have on me, and blew as hard as I could.

I hadn't even finished the blow before I sneezed again, tearing the tissue in two. My hands were covered with wet, slippery mess and shredded tissue. People were starting to stare. My eyes were tearing up because they were so itchy, and my nose... god, my nose. I wiggled my face around trying to keep from sneezing again, but I knew I wouldn't be able to hold out. I got up and rushed into the bathroom, sneezing three times on the way there and nearly knocking over two trash cans in my allergic state.

Once inside, I locked myself in a stall. I put the toilet seat down and sat there waiting. Sure enough, before too long I just started firing away.


In the midst of the wet, spraying mess, I unhooked the toilet paper roll and sat there unrolling wads of it to sneeze and blow into. After a good ten minutes of rocket fire sneezing and wet gurgling blows, it finally started to taper off. "PPFFFCHOO.... HUH-CHOO..." My eyes were stinging and gritty from all the tears, and my nose was puffed up and sore from all the blowing. My throat hurt, and my stomach muscles were complaining from the intense workout. I kept blowing my nose, despite the chaffing it was getting from the rough industrial toilet paper. "Iih-SHOO...huh, huh-CHOOAH."

Finally, my nose was too tired to do any more. It still tickled, and I was still sniffly and snuffly, but at least I'd stopped sneezing. I went back to my desk and worked for another hour before I breaked for lunch, sneezing every once in a while as discreetly as I could.

When I left for lunch, I walked out into the bright noon and was immediately assailed by both the sunlight and the masses of pollen. My nose seized and I sneezed repeatedly into my elbow as I walked quickly to my car. Once inside, I got the AC going and reached into the glove box for my tissues. I clamped a few over my sneezy nose and drove home as carefully as I could through the bleary eyes and sneezing.

At home, I took more medicine as I hurried to microwave some leftovers. I sneezed all over the kitchen, and while the microwave was going I wiped down the counters that I had christened. I took paper towels and blew some more. My nose was so sore! I went to the bathroom and put some lotion on it, and that helped a bit. But I couldn't stop sneezing, and so I went to the bedroom looking for the hankies I keep around somewhere.

There are some days when my nose just gets going and I know if I keep at the tissues I won't have any skin left in the middle of my face. I found one in the bottom of the sock drawer, and oooohhh, it felt sooo good. Soft and cool... and I immediately sneezed into it. And again. And again. Standing in the middle of my bedroom, sneezing my head off, my body snapping forward with each "EEEHSHOO EEHSHOO."

I managed to eat between sneezes and blows. By this point, I felt truly miserable. I called the office, and managed to get out, "Yeah, Bargerie... I dod thig I'll be able to cobe bacg id dis afderdood... IIISHOO! Yeah...AASHOO!" I had to pinch my nose closed if I wanted to finish the conversation "Uh... uh huh. Okay. See you toborrow." After I hung up, I sneezed a HUMONGOUS sneeze, and there was suddenly snot on my upper lip. I wiped it off, finished eating, and then changed into sweats and a t-shirt. I crawled into bed, blowing and sneezing.

After a while, I fell asleep. I don't know how long I was out, but I do know that I must have sneezed in my sleep! I woke up with my face buried into my pillow, sneezing. And my pillow was soaked with sneezed. I got up and blew my sand-bag nose, took some more medicine, and took a look at the clock. It was almost dinnertime. I wasn't really hungry, but I felt realy icky, so I went to take a shower.

I turned the shower hotter until the steam was white and thick, and I leaned against the wall while the warmth enveloped me. The steam did a lot for my nasal passages, opening them up, but it did make me sneeze a few times. (It's a small price to pay for being able to breathe.) After the shower, I towel-dried my short hair, and dressed in different sweats and t-shirt. (The old ones were covered with sneeze.) I watched the evening news, noticing that the pollen count was soaring. I went to bed early, my nose starting to become stuffy again. I wondered if I would snore.

So, Doc... you've gotta help me. I can't go on living like this! I can't work, I can't sleep... even eating is a well-timed enterprise. Most of my money is spent on kleenex, and from March to October I want to cut off my nose - I don't care about spiting my face! I'm tired of sneezing and sneezing... "HEHHHEEESHOOO!!!" Please help me!!