Catherine Wheels

Hillsbilly & Cath UK

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I slipped my arm through Kieran's as we left the bar, still trying to suppress the giggles that were welling up inside me as I watched his obvious discomfort. I felt a touch guilty for finding his embarrassment so amusing, but then I thought, what the hell. Men usually get off lightly- stray erections is the worst they have to contend with. They're supposed to be bigger and stronger than we are, but then they make such a fuss over condoms. Imagine how much they'd rant and moan if they had to use tampons for five days out of every month! And take birth control pills? Let's not even go there. All I can say is, it's pretty unfair that women are always the ones expected to swallow.

Still, looking at his predicament made me glad to have been born a woman.

But I'm not bitter- especially not with Kieran. I find the divide between the sexes more funny than aggravating. And part of what I find so attractive about Kieran is that he makes me laugh. Even better, he doesn't always realise that he's doing it either- that makes him all the more beguiling. It's one of the many things about Kieran that really lights my blue-touch paper. How can you not like a guy who spends so much of his time with a kind of ruffled, confused expression on his face?

Anyway, we stepped out into the cold night air and Kieran, ever the gentleman, unlocked the car from my side and opened the passenger door for me. As I climbed in, I stole another glance at the erection that was causing him so much trouble. 

He caught me smiling and gave a mock growl, which set me giggling again. His head was facing down but he glanced up and looked at me through his fringe, which had fallen over his eyes, and he stuck the tip of his tongue out at me. I was torn between hilarity and melting into a puddle.

I guess the second option won, because I brushed his hair out if his eyes and said, "C'mon, laddie, let's get you home."

As I sat in the passenger seat, the next test to my already spiralling-out-of-control sense of humour revealed itself. How amusing it was to watch Kieran struggling to get into the car, unable to bend because of his raging hard-on. It took a bit of painful-looking twisting and turning, but he managed to squeeze his way under the steering wheel, whereupon he looked up at the roof of the car. As if he'd just accomplished something mind-boggling in its difficulty- and for all I knew, maybe that was the case!- he blew air out of his mouth, turned to me and gave me a look I couldn't quite put my finger on.

He didn't speak, and I started to feel a little self-conscious. Was he put off by my display of hilarity? I had to ask.

"What? Are you angry or something?"

"No, of course not." He shook his head, smiling for a moment before turning serious again. "Look, Sian, next time we go out, can we stay in?"

This got me laughing again. " 'Next time we go out, can we stay in?' " I repeated.

"Oh... you know what I mean," Kieran shrugged.

"No, I don't!" This time, I wasn't whether his making me laugh was deliberate or not, but it certainly had an excellent effect. "You can't say something like that; it doesn't make any sense!"

He carried on looking at me and I started to feel disarmed again, especially when he put his head on one side in that adorable way that always made me melt.

"You're not from up here are you?" he asked

"Kieran, what are you on about? I wasn't born here, no. Stop talking rubbish."

" 'Going out' means 'having a date'."

"Oh, I see. Why speak English when you can be utterly confusing instead, right?" He gave me a well-deserved poke in the ribs. "Okay, okay. So what you're saying is, next time we see each other, you want to stay in. Is that right?"

"Yes, please." I might have been asking him if he wanted a cup of coffee. "Your place or mine?"

He was still looking at me, when suddenly his eyes began to flutter and he started breathing irregularly. A light frown developed and I saw his head tip back ever so slightly, as if in preparation. Suddenly, it was my turn to grow serious. I was now an out-and-proud connoisseur of such displays- how could I not immediately recognise Kieran's expression?

In all fairness, I must say that this was a very nice show on his part. It was made all the more exciting because he tried to fight the oncoming sneeze and carry on talking.

"I... I-uh-I don't mind," he said, and hearing his voice rise on the last word sent shivers down my spine.

"I though you were kidding about the stucksneeze in the pub!"

By then, I was becoming breathless as well as I watched his frown deepen and his head tilt back another preparatory notch. I could see his hands stuttering en route towards his face, as if he wasn't sure whether they were needed yet. He was well on the way to losing the battle, but carried on valiantly. 

I have to mention that seeing Kieran- or any sexy man- fighting a sneeze in order to talk is for me a most erotic thing. Just seeing him struggling, hearing a few sharp gasps tucked here and there into his speech, hearing the regular pattern of syllables disrupted involuntarily by the ever-increasing urge, I was beginning to get more than a little aroused myself. His cupped hands were now halfway to his face, comically twitching back and forth as he seemed to struggle with himself.

"I... I... was kidding. This is just a co-oh-i.. co-i.-hi... huh!"

"Coincidence?" I prompted, feeling a surge of desire of my own down below.

"Huh-yeah... ehhh.... Hehh... Heeeeh..."

His gasps grew more and more urgent as he finally turned his face towards the windscreen. I wish he hadn't done so; the anticipation had been so delicious, I really wanted to have a full-frontal view of his sneezes when they finally came. It seemed a lost cause; before I had time to say anything, Kieran abruptly drew his hands upwards, clapping them over his nose and mouth, and the inevitable finally took over.

"HeeeISHhh! Heh-heh...heh! heeehHEISHhhooo!"

Strangely enough, those two sneezes seemed to take something out of him and he flopped back into the car seat, allowing his hand to drop by his sides. Perhaps it was because the sneezes had teased him for so long and he was relieved to have them over and done with. Whatever the case, it was with great relief that he looked at me and said, 

"Oh... thank goodness for that."

"Yes," I replied, as breathless as if I had been the one ferociously sneezing.

All I could think of was, what a shame it was that he had stopped after only two. That and it was a good thing my anatomy was different from Kieran's, because then it would have been his turn to poke fun at my sexed-up discomfort. My new lover's struggle and subsequent explosions had gotten me quite hot and bothered, and as I replayed them in my mind, I couldn't help but think it was a very good thing indeed that we were now heading for home instead of out for a night on the town. 

And while I was thinking all this, Kieran remained silent. Maybe he was thinking the same thing (he had been for the past half-hour or so, as far as I could tell, so it was a fair assumption). In any case, he carried on looking at me without speaking, drinking me in with his eyes, something I found very flattering indeed. I think we could have stayed like that quite a while, if it hadn't been for the hormonally charged energy burning between us.

"Let's go before I have an accident!" Kieran said. Then, he paused as if remembering something, and added, "Wait a second. Can we go to my place tonight? I need to check on Gus. Do you mind?"

"That's fine," I said. "Sure, absolutely." 

It would be great to see Kieran's cat again. I'd immediately grown fond of Gus upon meeting him the last time I was over at Kieran's. The great black and white tomcat was the size of a small Saint-Bernard (or at least, that was how I remembered him) and had an elephant-sized personality to go with his imposing physique.

Kieran turned the key in the ignition and the motor purred into life. I sank down into my seat as we set off for Kieran's place, willing myself to cool down as my heart was still beating furiously because of those two exciting sneezes I'd been lucky enough to witness. In trying to forget about those sweet explosions, I turned my eyes to look at small details about Kieran instead. I could afford to stare as I pleased, since he was now completely concentrated on driving and couldn't see me staring.

The first thing that caught my attention was his left hand as he changed gear. It seemed strong and clean, and his gold watch was just visible under the cuff of his shirtsleeve. His wrist seemed solid and precise as it flexed, pulled and pushed. His fingers looked straight and competent; piano-player fingers. All of a sudden I was itching to have them handling something other than a gear stick. Maybe I have a one-track mind, I don't know, but I found just staring at his moving hand so very, very erotic that instead of cooling me down, it was getting me even hotter.

I then transferred my gaze to his face, which was intermittently bathed in night's sodium streetlights. There, I again noticed a detail of startling eroticism that sent my thoughts awhirl: every time he blinked, I could see his long lashes sparkle. It was beautiful. It was all I could do not to reach out and touch them. Whoever said that women are the fairer sex has obviously not looked at a man through the eyes of a woman in love.

And then it hit me that perhaps I'd been wrong to spend the last half-hour poking fun at Kieran's arousal. The reason why we'd had to leave the pub so precipitately was dawning on me. He'd said that what had happened last Saturday night in Creation was happening again. Of course it was! And if memory served- no, wait, never mind the 'if'!- I had also had the most earth-shattering sexual experience of my entire life last Saturday! Or Sunday morning, depending on your point of view.

And here we were, that same ultra-pleasurable series of events all set to repeat itself. No wonder he was so desperate to get home. It was only now that I was becoming as desperate as he had been all along. Hearing him sneeze, looking at him, noticing all those small but oh-so-special details about him, I was becoming incredibly tuned on myself at the prospect of what was to come- pun fully intended!

In fact, I'd never been so close to losing control as I was then in Kieran's car. As I've already said before- good thing I'm not a man, isn't it?

Eventually, we reached Kieran's flat and he parked the car. We were like two horny teenagers, barely able to contain the intensity of our want. When he was searching through his bunch of keys for the one that would unlock his front door, I couldn't keep my hands off him any longer. I put my hands around his waist and began kissing him passionately. 

He seemed to think I was just being mischievous, because he chuckled in the back of his throat. "Stop it, you silly rabbit- there's a lot more fun to be had inside if you'll just let me find that key!"

"Mm," I said, "I can't wait that long. You're taking too much time!"

Kieran chuckled again. "Funny; usually women have the opposite complaint."

I punched him on the arm, and this jarred the key ring in such a way as to prop the correct key upright.

"Found it!" he said, and promptly inserted it into the lock.

"Ah… can't wait for you to do that to me," I teased.

We practically fell into his flat and I pushed him against the door, shutting it in the process. I was quite prepared to have him right there, stood up against his own front door, when it seemed to dawn on him that the reason for us having to leave the pub in such a hurry was because he was the one dangerously close to boiling over, and not me.

He pulled his face away and started to say something, but then there was a metallic crash from upstairs, followed by a loud sound of something splintering.

We both cringed.

Before I could think "burglars" or anything like that, there then followed an odd tapping sound and a table tennis ball bounced down the stairs. Kieran's enormous cat, Gus, closely followed it.

I'd completely forgotten about him!

Halfway down the stairs, Gus caught up with the bouncing table tennis ball and hit it with his paw. The ball flew through the air like a bullet, struck me hard on the knee and ricocheted into the kitchen. I could have sworn I felt my kneecap pop! Meanwhile, the daft cat sprang after it. He was too big and was travelling too fast to slow down so he careered into my legs, knocked me into Kieran, who made a comical "oomph!" sound as he was pushed into the door. It was a good job it was closed!

We watched Gus scamper into the kitchen faster than a speeding bullet, leaping tall chairs in a single bound. The ball had become lodged underneath the central heating radiator and the cat poked it furiously with his paw, trying to retrieve it. Eventually, Gus' short attention span made him desist and look around, and it was then that he caught sight of us in his peripheral vision. He jumped about four feet and landed staring at us with his back arched.

Getting his breath back, Kieran told Gus, "Don't crab at me in my own house. I'm the one who just got violently assaulted! You didn't see us, did you, you daft bugger?"

I decided to see the humour in the situation. Rubbing my knee, I said to Gus, "Awww he's a poor kitty cat. We frightened him and he didn't like it!"

"We frightened him?" Kieran started.

The cat, however, was louder in his protest. "Oowow!" he howled, full of righteous indignation. Flicking his tail, he and walked over to me, sat at my feet, and look me in the face.

"Frreow!" Gus roared. 

God he was noisy! I bent down to pet him. "But we don't know what this pussy cat wants," I said to it.

"Rweeeorw!" the cat yowled again.

"I know what he wants," Kieran said.

"And what would that be?" I queried, stroking an appreciative Gus under the chin.

"He wants you to pick him up."

"Oh no, surely I couldn't!" I protested. "He must weigh twice what I do; I'm never going to be able to hold him!"

"Such a penchant for exaggeration," Kieran snickered. "You've got to start working out then, lass! And Gus is worth any set of weights. Go on, pick him up."

So I pulled him up and tried to hold him as though he were an infant. If you can picture a medium-sized lady trying to tenderly cradle a baby rhinoceros, then that's probably what I looked like as I attempted to gracefully lift Gus the cat. He weighed an absolute ton and he was spilling out of my arms, but fortunately neither he nor Kieran seemed to think this was anything out of the ordinary. Gus was purring like a pneumatic drill and I could have sworn he had a silly smile on his face. And when I looked up, I saw that Kieran did, too.

"How old is he?" I asked, looking at Gus.

"Thirty," Kieran replied.

"Not you," I sighed, "Gus."

"Oh!" Kieran's eyes twinkled. "He's about a year old."

"Bloody hell!" I exclaimed. "He's only barely gotten out of kittenhood! Who plays with him when you're away all day?"

"As you saw, he's quite content ransacking my apartment on his own. Doesn't need my help at all."

"Yes, but surely the poor little thing must be bored without someone to frolic around with!"

Ruefully, Kieran showed me the scratches on his hands and arms. "Well, Gus is surely not a 'little thing', and as for tossing and tumbling with him, I know I do!"

Then, the cat went limp and started to get even heavier. If that was at all possible. I went from trying to cradle a thirty-pound sack of flour to trying to struggling with a wet thirty-pound sack of flour.

"Oh no, Gus! " I cried, "Please, don't go to sleep! Oh Kieran, help me- I can't hold him, he's slipping!"

"And wouldn't that be a tragedy," Kieran deadpanned. "I've never known a cat capable of landing on all fours when dropped."

I was still struggling to hold Gus, who had once more come very much awake at the rising panic in my voice. Now, I was fumbling not to drop him as the large cat was twisting and turning to try and get himself upright. In the process, Gus' long, fluffy tail brushed my nose again and again, occasionally jamming right into it. As I've said before, I love cats and I'm not exactly allergic to them, but having an entire tail-full of fur jammed up your nose is enough to coax a sneeze out of anyone. Before I knew it, I was gasping in air to fuel a rather unladylike-sounding "Hiiih-iiPSHhhooo!"

Quick as the proverbial cat, Kieran took him out of my arms, touching my breasts as he did so. I think it was an accident, but he gave me a knowing glance and the reasons why we had had to rush back to his in the first place suddenly came flooding back.

I was rubbing at my nose, trying to get rid of a residual itch, while Kieran took the cat into the lounge and set him down on the couch. We both promptly forgot about him as Kieran walked back to me. As luck would have it, the last of the Gus-induced tickle manifested itself right then, and I could do nothing other than put my hands to my nose and sneeze again- "Iiissh! Hi-iipshhoo!" 

Putting his arms around my waist, Kieran looked me straight in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, Sian, but that was just too sexy for words. I really need to be inside you."

"Ooh, don't apologise," I said, my nose now tickle-free, and pulled him even closer.

It didn't take a minute before we'd made our way to his bedroom.

We shut the door behind us and were soon caught up in a frenzied whirlwind, tearing the clothes off each other. It was simply divine to feel his naked skin next to mine, especially since he was incredibly gorged and I could feel his hot, swelled member pressing up against my stomach like a warm gherkin.

I was more than ready for him when he entered me. I was wringing wet and he had absolutely no problem pushing deep into me from the get-go. It was one of those fast and furious quickies I thought only took place in porn films. He thrusted fast and hard, and I couldn't get enough of it. I had both hands on his bum and was urging him on, pushing and pulling him, crying out, 

"Oh yes, Kieran, more, faster, ohhh, ohhhh!" over and over again.

Kieran was only too happy to oblige. He seemed lost in his own delirium, eyes tightly shut, breathing hard, flushed in a way that would have been comical if I hadn't been sure my own colour was at least as vivid as his. And it was good! Our pleasure rose fast, steadily higher, up and up like a firework, until at last it culminated in a brilliant explosion that seemingly made the windows rattle in their frames.

I'd never had such loud sex. I think we even frightened Gus. And when I came, I'm afraid I bit Kieran, too.

I could have sworn the whole thing happened in less than three minutes. When it was done, we were both a mess of sweaty contentment as we held each other close, still trembling from our respective climaxes.

Kieran said, "That was fraught, wasn't it?" which I thought was a fairly accurate observation.

"That's a pretty accurate observation."

He rolled away from me and onto his back, still trying to get his breath back. That's something I've always found amusing with men- no matter how good sex is, women don't really get that out of breath. Why is it that blokes always get breathing so hard, even after they're finished? It's like they've just run a two hundred kilometre marathon, even if the woman's on top doing all the work!

And afterwards, it was time for the part of post-sex unwinding I usually dread: the guy rolling over and becoming dead to the world, like a crashing rhino that's suddenly been hit with a tranquilliser gun. After sex is when a woman wants to be cuddled and loved, whereas men want to rest up and be left alone.

Nature planned things well, didn't she?

We both lay on our backs, staring at the ceiling, and I counted the seconds until I was to hear Kieran starting to snore besides me like an overenthusiastic lawnmower. He wasn't saying anything, and when I sneaked a sideways glance at him, I saw that his eyes were shut. This immediately made my hackles rise. Most guys I'd been with before did this, and it had always set my teeth on edge. 

Mind you, I didn't know Kieran that well. Okay, so the last time I'd been in this situation, he'd fallen asleep. Then again, it had been night time and perfectly natural; I'd done the same thing myself. This time, however, I wasn't feeling the least bit sleepy and for him to fall asleep after our breathtaking quickie would just be so very inconsiderate. How dare he do this to me? I wanted to talk! I wanted to reflect on what we'd just done, and to be told how wonderful it was. How wonderful we'd been. What was he thinking, the lousy, ungrateful wretch? How callous could he be?

I was about to give him a piece of my mind, when Kieran chose that precise moment to prove me wrong by turning away and, so softly that I would have missed it if I hadn't been paying attention, stifling a sneeze.


It was a small sound, barely a whisper, but it made his entire body tighten for a second before he relaxed again and turned to me. His eyes were round, wide-awake and wanting a kiss. Fortunately, in the two seconds it had taken for him to deliver that tiny stifled sneeze, my anger had been washed away like a small child left unattended during a flash flood.

So instead of the tirade that had been welling up inside me, what I said was, "Kieran, that- mmppff!" as Kieran shifted over again and pressed his lips to mine. 

What a sweetheart: mindful that I'd started to say something, he stopped. He didn't take his lips from mine; he just stopped kissing me, if you know what I mean. Suddenly, I was feeling more than a little bit embarrassed. Here I was getting all wound up over absolutely nothing! Why am I always doing this? My best friend Kelly's always making fun of me because of it, and she's right. Sometimes, I do tend to go off in a rather daft manner.

While his lips were still touching mine, he put his head on one side like an inquisitive puppy and said, "Mm?"

This nearly gave me another fit of the giggles, but though he may have been able to stop kissing, he wasn't able to stop himself from getting hard again. I was amazed. How could a man of thirty possibly have this kind of adolescent libidinous prowess? Most men at our age are lucky if they can get it up twice in the same day! I told myself not to ask too many questions, and to just count my blessings.

I managed to change what I'd intended to say, which frankly would have been horribly inappropriate if Kieran had given me a chance to speak when I'd wanted to. "Kieran, I want you again."

"How fortunate. You know Sian, one thing I like about you is your great sense of timing."

Oh, the irony. 

He wrapped his entire body around mine and began kissing me slowly and deeply while entering me again, more tenderly this time.

Our initial urgency had melted away, and this second bout of lovemaking was more akin to what we'd had during our first night together. I wouldn't say we were less passionate; it was just… different. If our previous effort had been one big Catherine wheel, then this one was more like smouldering embers: softer, subtler, but still very, very hot. That time, I didn't come, but the emotional closeness and general well-being I got out of it more than made up for it.

Though granted, orgasms are fabulous, I don't know which I like the most. I could never forsake hyperclimactic sex for the strictly emotionally fulfilling kind. It's great when they can be rolled into one, but failing that, I choose to be greedy: I want both! Every night! Okay? Great! It's all sorted. Really, I'm not at all difficult, am I?

As I lay in Kieran's arms, fully savouring my post-coital bliss, I started to drift into the Land of Nod. I felt safe and warm, like a little girl snuggled in a pile of warm, fresh towels. I told myself that I was going to have the best, most restful night's sleep I'd had in months, and I broke out in a silly, sleepy smile as I thought that Kieran would get his just reward for that in the morning.

I felt almost as if I'd been drugged, my eyelids heavy as though I'd put on as much makeup as Cher in her latest video. And here I'd been, saying how nothing irritated me more than seeing men fall like a ton of bricks after sex! Though my own double standard should have made me feel ashamed, I just couldn't help myself.

"I'm sorry, Kieran," I whispered. "I'm just so sleepy…"

Thank goodness he was better natured than I. 

"It's all right," he purred, kissing my forehead. "Go to sleep, princess."

As it turned out, I was mistaken. This did not turn out to be the most restful night's sleep I'd had in months. In fact, I was pretty darned tired when I woke up in the middle of the night, eyes wide and heart pumping away like a steam locomotive gone haywire. The reason for it was fairly simple: I had the most erotic dream I'd ever had the pleasure of losing myself in.

I know you'll want me to tell you about it, and so I shall. It was a fairly basic, really. Kieran and I were in a clothes shop, which was cluttered throughout with displays and carousels. Golden sunlight was pouring into the shop from windows very high up, giving the entire scene an almost overexposed look, the kind you get when photographs turn out light and blurry. 

The thing that made the dream so erotic was that Kieran constantly wanted to sneeze but couldn't. No matter how much he tried to sneeze, he just ended up being caught in a series of false starts. In the dream, I only watched him with eyes as round as saucers as he gasped and groaned, rubbing his nose and making increasingly desperate little "huh... ah... uhaaah..." sounds as he prepared for a constantly inflating sneeze that just wouldn't come out. I felt terrible for enjoying his agony, but as I was powerless to stop it, I could do no more than enjoy watching him struggle. His face was contorting in the most drastic manner and his entire body spoke of unfulfilled expectation, tensing and relaxing and then tensing again.

Then, I noticed there were a few other people in the shop. Some were ignoring us, but others were staring at Kieran, wondering what was wrong with him. Some people were pointing, some were giggling, and others still were frowning. Kieran was oblivious as he kept his eyes tightly shut and struggled with the overpowering urge to sneeze. 

"Uhhh... uh-huh-huh... huaaaahhhh..."

My reaction within the dream was a kind of erotic trauma where I was afraid I would lose control of myself in public. It actually reminded me of a scene in the film "All You Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask." What was I going to do- mind the other customers as I stayed put and watched, or would I just have to run over, get undressed and then jump his bones like a horny, willing-to-shag-anything-that-moves teenager?

At that point, I realized it was nothing more than a dream and thought, "I'm going for it, onlookers be damned!" But just when I was about to rip off all my clothes and Kieran's in the bargain, I woke up. Damn! 

I really hate when this happens; I've had this kind of event take place before, and every time, it's as if my brain can tell I'm going to have just a bit too much fun and, like the headmistress at the all-girls school I attended in my youth, it has to act like the world's biggest wet blanket and promptly smother all libidinous flames.

Well, it failed. I might have awoken before getting any kind of real physical satisfaction from my dream-Kieran, but I was in a heightened state of sexual arousal and had the real man sleeping soundly next to me. I thought, "Take that, oh holier-than-though subconscious safeguard against immorality!" and smiled at my man's sleeping form.

I looked at the clock. It was 1.00am. I'd only had just over an hours' sleep! Then, I looked again at Kieran and noticed something that had escaped my eye previously. I don't know how that could have been, though, for what had escaped my attention was very much standing at attention indeed! I've always been amused at how men can make abstraction of nocturnal erections: doesn't it bother them to have that thing sticking up tall and proud, stiff as a French baguette between their legs? I know it wakes me up when I have a guy poking me in the back with one, so how come it doesn't wake them up, seeing as it's attached and all? 

I decided to ponder these existential questions later. I was much too horny to stand on ceremony, and so I decided to simply go for it and shamelessly rape him right there on the bed. Straddling him, I guided him into me with my hand and then sat squarely on top of his member, enjoying the feeling of having him filling me to the brim.

Ah, wonderful!

"Mmm...Sian?" Kieran mumbled. 

I was too wound up to reply and simply began rocking back and forth, arching my back and biting down the small mewling sounds of pleasure that were begging to escape. As before, I was wringing but he came first, with a small, sleepy grunt at the back of his throat. I held onto his shoulders and pulled at him as he filled me up, the jerking of his penis sending me into my own oh-so-satisfying climax.

Finally able to relax again, I disembarked and grabbed a few tissues off the night table to clean myself up with before again joining Kieran under the covers. By then, he was softly snoring, completely dead to the world. I couldn't help but feel a rush of tenderness for him; he was looking so very young and innocent, his hair tousled and his featured smoothed out by sleep. Even in the shadows, I could see his eyes moving underneath the thin protection of his lids, and wondered what it was that he was dreaming about.

I wasn't sure whether he had been awake at all during my ravishment of his luscious body! Frankly though, this little middle-of-the-night session had tired me all over again, and I was pretty glad to be able to just shut my eyes and drift off. It only took a minute before I was sleeping as soundly as my lover.

It didn't last very long. A solemn (and very loud) "Meeoooww!" woke me up, and Kieran in the bargain. He looked at the clock and groaned.

"5:20, unhhh…"


Gus was certainly not feeling sleepy…

"He wants to go out," Kieran moaned, still only half-awake.

I said, "Are you sure? Sounds a bit close for that. I'll go and check; you can stay here."

Kieran didn't even try to protest, instead shutting his eyes again and snuggling under the covers. Just looking at him, I wanted to do the same, to cuddle up close to him and enjoy the peculiar luxury of stolen morning minutes, that delicious time where you know you should be up and about but where you feel strangely compelled to wait until the last minute to better enjoy the warmth of the bed. 

And so, feeling as if I had sand stuck under my eyelids, I yawned and got out from under the sheets. Looking around, I discovered the cat sat on the landing, facing the bathroom door.

"Gus? You okay?" I queried.

The little bugger didn't even acknowledge me. He just sat there like a big fuzzy beanbag, looking at the door. 


I stared at the door in turn, listening carefully. No sound escaped. Nothing seemed to be amiss. It was just a perfectly ordinary door, made of wood, slightly ajar as it revealed a partial view of Kieran's shadow-swathed bathroom.

"There's nobody in there, you silly cat," I told him.


"But the door's closed," I protested.


"There isn't even a light on!"


I sighed, feeling more than just a bit ridiculous for trying to argue some sense into Kieran's cat. Though I'm usually convinced they're almost as smart as we are, it's incidents like this that make me think that perhaps cats are secretly even smarter. Or maybe they're just so abysmally stupid that we can't help but think there has to be something behind their intrinsic weirdness. This was one of those times.

I pushed the door open to show him that everything was all right, and he just walked away! He still didn't look at me, and he didn't even go into the room to check. The little bastard…

I turned back, rather incensed, only to find Kieran smiling sweetly at me.

"You must have closed the bathroom door. He hates closed doors."


Kieran's smile only widened. "He hates snow, too. When Gus wants to go out and it's snowing, he goes to the other door and I have to open it for him to prove that it's snowing outside that door as well."

As I've said before, I adore cats. I just can't stay mad at one for too long. I went from thinking Gus was mentally challenged to finding him absolutely adorable. How could I possibly have thought what I did about the intelligence of cats? They're the sweetest things in the world, plenty smart enough, and with more than enough personality to make up for their little foibles! 

"Aw, bless," I giggled as I made my way back to the bed and slipped under the still-warm covers next to Kieran. "That's so sweet. Gus looks for a door to summer?"

"Yes. Bloody hell!" Kieran gasped, " 'A Door To Summer'. That's good! Hold on, I can't let that one slip. Just hold that thought. I just need to… ah, there we are…"

He seemed to be talking to himself as he reached over to the dresser and picked up a notepad and a pen. He started writing on it, scribbling away furiously, and all I could do was stare at him with amazement. What was going on here? Both Gus and Kieran seemed to have gone completely mad that morning. I started wondering whether there was something wrong with me- maybe I was still asleep and only dreaming? Had I eaten something I shouldn't have the day before? Had too much great sex burned out a few key brain cells responsible for correct perception of reality? As the infamous Alice once said, this was getting 'curiouser and curiouser'.

Just as I was about to give myself a good, solid pinch, the telephone rang.

"Oh, darn," Kieran cried, dropping pen and notepad as he promptly began stretching over on my side of the bed. The phone was on my side, so he lay across my lap to answer it as I sat up to afford him more room.

Someone started to speak as soon as he picked up. I could distinctly hear a man's voice, sounding way too cheerful at this ungodly hour. I yawned again, wondering how these people did it. I'd need at least 27 cups of coffee to manage that kind of energy level at 5:30 in the morning. 

Kieran didn't sound quite so enthusiastic, rubbing his eyes and looking fairly knackered still as he kept going, "Mm-hm. Uh-huh. Mm."

And then, I wondered who on earth made phone calls to private residences at this kind of hour? Insane, that's what I had to say about it. Unless it was the hospital- I suddenly felt wide awake, my stomach clenching as I wondered whether someone close to Kieran had been hurt in an accident.

But then, Kieran smiled and said, "Sure, sure thing Peter!" at once dispelling all my fears. I began to relax again, feeling silly for having jumped to conclusions. If he was smiling, then no one was dead.

Unless it was someone Kieran really hated…

I wiped a smirk off my face as Kieran turned his head over his shoulder to me and, without covering the mouthpiece, mouthed, "It's our manager!"

I only stared at him, puzzled, as he turned away again and continued his conversation, beginning to sound a bit more awake now.

"Yes... Yes, of course... But, Pete... Peter, listen, it's half past five in the morning here. You do know that, don't you?" A pause as the man named Peter said something at the other end, and then Kieran said, "Oh, very droll. Very bleedin' whimsical!"

At that point, my mind began to drift off. Not just because I couldn't follow the conversation, but also because a most interesting tableau was afforded to me. Kieran, as I said before, had had to lean over me to get to the telephone. He was lying across me, and I had started to tease him by slowly flicking the covers back further and further, amused at the goose bumps I made appear on his otherwise smooth skin. Only by then, I had pushed them back so far that I could see his bare bottom. 

And it was a sight that would have distracted any woman, though perhaps myself especially. I've always had a thing for men's bottoms- I find them absolutely luscious. Small, firm buns, sometimes with a soft covering, sometimes bare… they're sweet and sexy and I can't get enough of them. Especially Kieran's- it's very much a testament to the unusual nature of my relationship with this man that this was the first time I had really stopped and stared at his buttocks. I mean, the number times he had turned me on like a flash-heater, in all kinds of different ways, and here I was for the first time, fairly devouring his delicious rear end with my eyes. 

And then, completely of their own accord I swear, my palms began to tingle and itch. My right hand suddenly began to slowly rise in the air, and all I could do was look at it, powerless.

Now, c'mon, girls I need your support here. Okay, so maybe everyone thinks I'm psychotic apart from my friends deep inside the earth, but I'm not a bad person. At least, I hope I'm not! You can bring me a stack of bibles upon which I will swear that I did try not to hit him.

But though I am good, I'm certainly not a saint.

Oh, but you should have felt what I felt. You should've heard the noise I heard! My hands might have tingled before, but it was even better after- a hot flash of stinging warmth as I brought my right palm down, quick and hard, to collide with the smooth surface of Kieran's bottom.


"Oww!!" Kieran yelped, full of a righteous indignation that reminded me of Gus.

He looked over his shoulder at me, and as his ear came away from the telephone, I heard a loud, stentorian laugh from the other end of the line. Then, words filtered through and I distinctly heard the man saying,

"Have you just had your arse tanned, lad?"

"Yes!" Kieran cried, not sure whether to smack me back or burst out laughing.

I could still hear the guy on the other end of the line. He said, 

"Not before fucking time!"

It was my turn to laugh. I nodded my head as I squirmed away from Kieran, worried that he'd just spin me around and get his revenge. Then, there was a pause, and someone else came onto the line.

"Hel-lo, sweetie-lambkin," Kieran cooed.

I thought, 

"Hold on, 'sweetie-lambkin'? Who on earth can he be talking to?"

Some woman, obviously- and unless I was grievously mistaken, her name was definitely not 'Sweetie Lambkin.' Not even with a different spelling. I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that, nor the broad, beaming smile softening Kieran's up until then slightly sour expression. I felt my eyes going rather green 'round the edges.

"Yes it's... What? Well, yes, but she might not like... well I won't be able to spend much time with her. Yes I suppose I could... That's not a bad idea. I can always ask…"

I gave myself a good scolding, telling myself I was being silly. Whoever this woman was, he obviously liked her- but then, he was talking about me, so nothing too untoward could be going on there, could it? I really should learn not to get riled up over nothing- these scene was strangely reminiscent of the previous night, when I'd been all set to go off at Kieran over not falling asleep right after sex. 

Instead, I turned to more productive pursuits. I stroked his bum and proceeded to getting very turned on. Now that was much better, wasn't it? Eventually- about a million years later- Kieran finished his telephone conversation and turned to face me. No, more than that, he shifted his body until he was sat on my lap. 

Though I'm not one of those tiny, wispy things, he surely must have been supporting himself on the bed because he didn't feel particularly heavy. He had a grin on his face like that of a small child who has just been promised a big bag of candy. He was so cute, I wanted to kiss him silly, but he looked like he had something to tell me so I held back. I was just starting to wonder whether I should start bouncing him up and down on my knee, when he said,

"That was our manager and his wife."

I couldn't have cared less. All I wanted was to jump Kieran's bones again. I gave in and kissed him lightly, right on his sweet, smiling mouth. Such a trouper, my lovely Kieran, he tried to carry on.

"We're having a big do at this place called 'The Deep End' and whmmm!"

His air supply and his words were brutally cut off as I kissed him. I couldn't quite suppress a giggle as I felt him unravel against my stomach.

"I'm all sexed up," I purred.

"So I see! Oh, Sian, I'll forget what I was going to say," he feigned truculence, his face sporting a deeply wounded look.

I placed my palms against his, our fingers interlocked, and I pushed him back onto the bed.

"Oh no you don't!" Kieran cried.

"Foolish mortal," I shook my head with an air of great sadness, "do you really think you can resist me?"

"I can and I will," Kieran said, trying to scramble out from underneath me as I pegged him against the bed.

"It's no use. You cannot run. And besides, I have weapons at my disposal which you have up 'til now only ever dreamed of!"

"Oh Sian, I can't!" He tried to plead with me, but I wasn't listening. It was for his own good, after all. "Stop it, Sian! You wait 'til you get to my age. It'll happen to you."

"How old are you again?" I mocked

"Thirty," he replied

"Bugger off, Kieran, " I scolded. "You're only four years older than me!"

"I still won't be won over that easily!" he cried, a final, defiant stand.

Or so he thought.

His penis seemed to have a different stance on the matter. I could feel it tapping me in the stomach as I crouched above him, urging me not to give up on the recalcitrant man it was attached to. I smiled at it fondly, an accomplice's smile, and the resumed my stern expression as I looked back up into its owner's eyes.

"You, my lad, have another think coming. Ancient coffin-dodger or not, do you really think you can resist my secret weapon?"

"That all depends," Kieran drawled, allowing his features to slide into a smile, "on exactly what that secret weapon turns out to be."

"Allow me to demonstrate," I said, reaching over to his night table.

I sat back, having picked up Kieran's box of tissues, and plucked one out. As my lover silently watched, I twisted the corner of one into a fine point.

"Oh my," he said, awed. "I certainly don't know how I'll ever be able to stand up to that secret weapon! I've always trembled at the thought of being stabbed to death with a rolled-up tissue."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Kieran, you are so funny I am wetting myself," I said. "Laugh if you will- I think you'll be a lot more complacent when the last of your defences are crumbled away by my amazing… hhisssh-oooh!"

"I see!" Kieran breathed.

He looked like someone who has just uncovered something of infinite value under the Christmas tree. Indeed, I had decided to play on my man's weakness, rolling up a tissue to a small, sharp point and then tickling the inside of my nose with it as I playfully threatened him. This trick always works with me, and is always good for getting a few well-timed sneezes out. I was pleased that it worked so well on this occasion, but I think not nearly as much as Kieran.

I decided to give him another. Gently, I poked at the inside of my nose, dragging the tissue around the sensitive inner area until once again, I felt my breath hitch as the tickle became unbearable and, "huhhhaaatsSHICHhooo!"

Kieran looked on, fascinated. He'd fallen completely silent now, and the only movement I could see was that of his hand, which had encircled his erection and was slowly stroking it. He didn't say a word, but I could see his eyes pleading with mine to do it again. 

Enjoying my newfound power over him, I obliged.

Now my nose always gets more sensitive once I start doing this. The first sneeze is always the hardest to get out. Afterwards, it's like my membranes are already irritated and it gets easier and easier to coax a sneeze out. Sometimes, I'll even go on sneezing after I'm done inducing, as if my body thinks there's still an irritant lodged up there and it has to get it out.

Up the tissue went a third time, and I gently drew it around and around. I felt so incredibly sneezy, and wondered what I must look like to Kieran- probably pretty goddamned amazing, judging by the increasing speed of the hand that was caressing his gorgeous erection. Just looking at him doing that was getting me even hornier than I already was! My eyes were starting to water, I felt so on the verge of letting out an explosive sneeze… I could feel my nose filling as well, and knew this was going to be a messy affair.

I wasn't disappointed. "Huh… heeehhaaATCHOO!" It was incredibly wet, and fortunately, I managed to put the tissue in front of my nose right as the sneeze overtook me. Thank goodness, or the entire bed would have been soaked, I think! But then, before I had time to give a good blow, another tickle flared up and I had no choice but to sneeze again, "HeeeessSHOOO!" and again, "huh-hhuhh… hheaaaAASH-oooh!"

I gave my nose a good, solid blow, which seemed to leave both myself and Kieran breathless. I could feel that my nose was still tender, and while I didn't immediately need to sneeze again, I knew I would probably deliver a few well-timed ones in the minutes to follow.

"Okay, you win," Kieran said at last, taking his hand away from his gorged shaft. "I have no choice but to submit to your evil plans- take me now, fair lady, I insist!"

I needed no further invitation. With that, I lowered myself onto his throbbing erection, while Kieran obligingly raised his knees up and made a back for me to lean on with his thighs. This was something new! I'd never tried this position, but I'd heard that some women had actually passed out with pleasure at making love this way. Okay, "some women" meant Kelly- it's true, we girls really do talk about everything when we're sitting around the pub. Absolutely everything.

And if any blokes out there are wondering, despite what you might read in well-intentioned magazines, the general consensus among all the women I've talked it over with is, size matters.

But getting back to our lovemaking, let's just say that Kelly hadn't led me astray. It took a bit of getting used to at first, and it demanded some effort on my part, but it was well worth it. In this position, I could control the speed of our lovemaking and it didn't take too long before I felt almost faint with pleasure despite the increasing stiffness of my thigh muscles.

That is until the urge to sneeze, as predicted, reared its head again. Each time, I warned Kieran well in advance, as I knew it would drive him wild and I wanted to make the most out of them. Besides, he had been so good in indulging my little peccadillo, I thought it was the least I could do. It happened three or four times, and before each explosion, I said,

"Kieran, I'm gonna sneeze again… ohh… huh-ESSHhiiooo!"

He gave appreciative groans as he drank me in, rapt, with his eyes. I could feel his erection in me giving sharp twitches in response, and was amazed that he managed to hold back long enough for me to climax. Granted, it mustn't have been too difficult given the state of arousal I was in, but I was still grateful. It's the small things that make all the difference, you know.

Ahem. Not that Kieran's thing was particularly small.

I eventually came in an explosive, noisy, elegiac, "oh God- oh GOD- OH JESUS H. CHRIST!" orgasm- definitely not my standard, but it still got a laugh out of Kieran- who followed with a less blasphemous one of his own. Though, I'm pleased to admit, no less enjoyable judging by the look on his face and the flush that spread as far down as his stomach.

I flopped on my back beside him and we both had a laugh- a little self-conscious, I think- about the intensity of it all. Still, it was fine. Where I might have felt embarrassed at what I'd just done with any other man, it seemed to bring Kieran and I closer together. He held me near and whispered sweet nothings in my ear, while I had to hold back not to start purring away like a contented cat. 

When we'd both managed to get our breath back, I knelt up to face him again and asked, 

"So, what was it you were going to tell me earlier?"


"You were trying to tell me something. Before I, er, attacked you."

"Oh, that's right, yes. See, I told you I'd forget!" He gave me a winsome smile that told me better than words ever could how happy he was to have been spuriously interrupted by my sexual urges. "Right, thing is, we're having a private bash at The Deep End on Thursday. And I was speaking to Maureen- that's our manager's wife…" he shot me a look that suggested he knew exactly what I'd been thinking earlier and I cringed. 

"Yes, I'd gathered that," I lied, more than just a little bit embarrassed, "go on."

It suddenly occurred to me to wonder exactly what this guy did for a living. Manager? Did he mean manager manager, or supervisor-type, head-of-department manager? Suddenly, I felt like a silly goose for not having thought to ask him about his chosen career path before then; it really was quite strange, but then, this was technically only our second date, and our 'meetings' (if you care to call them that) had always been so fraught with sexual tension... 

I resolved to ask him what he did with his life, asides from reducing me to a puddle of satisfied, sweaty limbs in the evenings and wee hours of the morning, but didn't get a chance to do it because Kieran carried on talking. 

"Maureen suggested that I should ask you if you want to come along. Anyway, it's strictly invitation only, très chic and... you do know The Deep End, don't you?" he asked

"Yes," I replied, "I'm in there most weekends. Though this is the first time I've ever heard it referred to as being 'très chic'!"

And then, looking down, I noticed something mighty peculiar. Under the covers, I saw a distinct bump forming around Kieran's crotch area. Huh? We'd had sex about ten minutes ago! Was there something I was missing here? I swear, I hadn't done a single solitary thing to provoke this unexpected rise in libido- I'd been genuinely paying attention to what Kieran had been saying to me.

I looked at the rampant sex tool and couldn't help myself: I burst out laughing. "You're sex mad, you are!"

Kieran seemed to take offence, reddening and bunching the covers around his rebellious member. "I am not sex mad. You'll be hearing from my solicitor over that little quip, madam."

I snuck my hand under the covers, quick as lightening, and flicked his erection.

"Ow!" he shouted, outdoing Gus the cat in terms of righteous indignation.

"So what do you call this then?" I hooted. "You've only come not ten minutes ago - I call this a biological impossibility!"

"It's not me!" he countered, laughing too now. "It's all your fault!"

"Me?" I exclaimed, "I'm not sex mad!"

"Nooo," he said in mock frustration, "of course you're not! I meant, it's you that's causing it, because-"

I had to interrupt. Point of order and all that, you know. "But I haven't done anything! I haven't, honestly; we were only talking. And anyway, I thought you were a sneeze fetishist."

"You don't have to do anything, you just…" He looked me straight in the eye, totally disarming. "Lord, you really don't understand, do you?"

I shook my head. I really didn't.

He carried on. "You ought to take look at yourself once in a while."

The last time I'd head that phrase uttered, it had been by my mother when I'd been about to leave for school with big lumps of pulp from my orange juice stuck between my teeth and on my chin. I hadn't eaten anything that morning, so what was Kieran on about?

"What I'm trying to say is, this is not all lust."

I stole another look at his throbbing erection and smirked. "Yeah. Sure. Uh-huh."

"It's not!" Kieran insisted. "I like being with you for its own sake, but I can't help but react in a certain way to someone who's…" he paused, as if searching for a proper way of telling me what was on his mind. "Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but I can't help getting turned on by someone who's got the physical attributes that you have. You're a lady with a large bust, let's face it, and I find that as much of a turn on as the next man would. Also, you've an arse that's shaped like a heart..."

Have I? I tried to look at it over my shoulder. Not much use as I was sitting on it.

Kieran carried on. "You've got gorgeous long legs and… and a sexy face. I've been all around this world and I've never seen a girl with such a sexy face. How can anybody have a sexy face? Well, all I can say is, you've got a sexy face."

I do know what kind of figure I have, actually, but I've never been showered with this kind of appreciation for it before. It's normally a case of "Cor, what a pair!" which- you guessed it- is guaranteed to just make any woman feel faint with pleasure.


I felt myself blushing. I couldn't help it- I let out a squeal of embarrassed delight and covered my face with my hands, and then promptly felt Kieran pulling them away.

"Don't you dare cover it up. You should never keep it hidden." The emotion in his voice made my heart speed up despite the fact that it was already racing like a runaway freight train. "And God, you're so intensely beautiful. Looking at you is like… like staring straight at the sun! 

Okay, so maybe it was a bit overwrought, but I didn't think anything of it. I'd never had anyone speak to me like this before, and I think I would have burst into tears if Kieran hadn't de-railed me yet again.

"And what did you say that for?" he inquired.

"What did I say what for? I haven't said anything."

A smirk played about Kieran's features. I could tell he was going to say something flash about my talking a lot. I didn't care how disarming he was being- I was not going to put up with cheeky comments about my being talkative.

I held my fist under his jaw. "Think carefully about what you say next, mister," I growled. "All the silver-tonguing in the world isn't going to help you if you say the wrong thing at this point!"

He couldn't speak properly with my hold on his mouth. "I eant aye gig oo ay oo ought I oz a geeze hetishist?"

"What?" I giggled and let go.

"I said, why did you say you thought I was a sneeze fetishist?"

"Because you're like… Well, here you are-" I eyed his still proud erection "and I haven't sneezed or anything."

"Were you not listening, honey? It's like I said," Kieran rolled his eyes, "honestly, you don't have to do anything. Just looking at you is all this takes. All the business with the sneezing is just a bonus. The icing on the cake. And you've got the sexiest sneeze… when you sneezed that first time I met you in Creation, I nearly made a mess of a pair of clean strides." 

I'm afraid I had to interrupt that beautiful speech, though it warmed my heart, made me blush, gave me hard-to-resist urges to giggle and clap my hands like a schoolgirl, etc. I might have mentioned this before, but I often get the sneezes first thing in the morning. I also often feel the need to sneeze if someone else talks about sneezing. As you'll recall, that happened with me and Kieran that first time in Creation'- Fate has a funny sense of humour, and so I guess it was inevitable that I should feel a familiar tickle right at that moment.

I put my finger under my nose. "Ooh, wait a minute," I gasped.

He shot me a look of mixed amusement, exasperation and- I think- lust. "Oh, Sian you're joking!"

"It's your own fault for talking about it. You ought to know you'd set me off!"

What wasn't his fault, I must admit, was the production I was making out of it.

"Muh- my nose is tickling!" To enhance the effect, I twitched my nose like a baby bunny rabbit. "I'm really going to suh-sneeze!"

Kieran's erection was visibly throbbing now. I was delighted. I'd never seen anything like this.

"Oh... hhaaaaah... huuuahahh.,. ady bidute dow…"

I rubbed my nose with my finger, dramatically highlighting the discomfort I was feeling. For Kieran's benefit,- and I guess my own- this was going to be my most girlie sneeze.

"I ruh-huh-really deed to… sdneeze!"

Though my eyes were half-shut in heavy-lidded anticipation, I stole a look at his face. His expression was a picture! His eyes and mouth were both open wide, which I thought was funny as he looked like a surprised fish. I was in no condition to giggle though, and so I reached out to grab a tight hold of his throbbing member. In the uppermost register of my voice, I squealed,

"Oh, Kieran, I'm godda sneeze! I'm go- uhhh… huuaaah… aaaahhhh… aaah- ah- ha-HA-TISSSHHH-Oooooh!"

And at that precise second where the sneeze escaped in all its loud, overdone, girlie glory, his body convulsed and a milky jet shot out onto my arm. I gave another squeal, this time of surprise. And, I guess, delight- it reminded me of a pink firework. Then, I looked up and saw that poor old Kieran seemed mortified. He covered his face with his hands as he lay back on the bed.

"Oh. No. God, Sian, I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing."

I thought, "No you don't, laddie. Not this time." I pulled his hands away from his face as he had done to me before. Interlocking our fingers, I pushed his hands back by his sides on the bed and I stared into his face.

"Why do you say that? It's not embarrassing!" I scolded him lightly. "There's nothing to apologise for. I mean, how long was it before you'd got erection that you'd come? Five minutes? Frankly, the production I was making of it, I'm amazed you held out that long- I know I wouldn't have! Kieran, being able to do something like that to you makes me feel good. Very good. It's very healthy for my self-esteem, so don't you dare say 'sorry'. Okay?" God, even to my own ears, I sounded like some private school's headmistress.

"You sound like some private school's headmistress."

I continued to stare at him. "Stop it; I'm not joking. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I… suppose so."

He sounded unsure.

"So are we okay, then?" I asked, still looking stern.

"Yes, yes. Okay."

"Great." And then, my serious expression turned to one of girlish curiosity as I tactfully changed the subject. "So what were you saying, about you inviting me to a do at The Deep End? I remember hearing the words 'exclusive' and 'très chic', and I liked the sound of that."

"Oh, yes," Kieran said, visibly relieved. "Where was I? Yeah, well, all it is, is we're holding this big private do I'd like you to come to. Of course I won't be able to spend much of the first part of the evening with you..."

I was about to cut in and ask, "Why not?" but he carried on without giving me the opportunity.

"So Maureen- the lady on the phone just now?- suggested you might want to bring a friend along with you. Perhaps that girl you were at Creation with last Saturday? I'm sure you mentioned her name, but I'm afraid it's slipped my mind…"

I was impressed he'd remembered her, so I said, "Kelly? I'm sure she'd love to come. So long as there's lots of hunks about, you can count on a resounding yes"

Kieran seemed well pleased. "Good. I guess the only think I've really got left to say about it is, we have an elaborate security system for this event. Can you arrange for the three of us to meet this lunchtime? I'll need to take pictures of both of you."

"Photographs? Why?"

"Because you can't come in if you don't have one." His tone suggested that this should be obvious. "Everyone invited has their photo on a data base. The security staff at the door have a laptop with photos of all the invited people. You give your names, the doorman looks it up on the computer, and if your photo matches your face, you're in."

"Seems like a bit much, doesn't it?" I asked, suddenly worried. I mean, if it was that important, what was I going to wear? I would have to phone Kelly up later and ask her. Maybe we'd need to do some pre-party shopping…

Kieran only shrugged. "Tell you what- why don't all three of us meet for lunch at The Canal, say twelve fifteen, to sort all this out?"

"Okay," I said. "I'll tell Kelly."

"Great!" Kieran replied, eyes alight. "It's a date! I'm really glad you're coming, Sian, it'll be really lovely having you there." Then, a slight pause as he seemed to remember something, and he added, "Oh, could you do me a favour as well?"

"What?" I asked.

"Can you give me a lift to the helipad after lunch?"

"What helipad?" I asked, not understanding what he could be referring to.

"Our helipad; we've only got one."

"You have a helipad?" By this point, I was wondering who this alien in my bed was, and why he was using odd words I didn't understand. "Excuse me, stranger, but I've got to ask- what on earth are you talking about?"

I must have looked a picture of puzzlement, because Kieran laughed and said, "Sian, listen to me. Helipad- place where helicopters land and take off? Our city's got one. I'd need a lift, that's all. It's not complicated."

Ah. That was a bit better. "I didn't know our fair city had a helipad."

"Well, sweetie, it does, believe me," Kieran said. He was still laughing. At me.

"You'll have to give me directions," I said, trying to regain some of my dignity. It was a lost cause- Kieran kept grinning at me like I was a silly rabbit and he loved me for it. "So why are you going there, anyway?"

"I'm flying to London for a couple of days- no big deal. But I'll see you at the gig on Thursday."

No big deal? Flying to London for a couple of days on a helicopter? Oh, excuse me- and here I was thinking people usually caught a train, a bus, or even an airplane for that type of journey. Still, not wishing to appear any more wayward than I already had by not understanding what a helipad was (to tell the truth, I had been starting to envision some kind of gigantic gaming gear à la Sega!), I just let it slide.

"Okay, sure," I said. " But before that, I'm afraid you're going to have to give me a lift right now. I need to get home. And then, I have to go to work."

"What?" he exclaimed. "You're joking- at ten past six?"

"Well, I can't go to work in the clothes I was wearing last night, can I? And, if I'm having a long lunch with you, in case you've already forgotten, I'll need to start early."

It was Kieran's turn to feel a bit embarrassed at his confusion, and a small part of me was glad to have it be quid pro quo. To his credit, ever the gentleman, he agreed with a small smile and a bow of his still-tousled head. He went to the wardrobe to pull some clothes out, and got dressed while I fished out my clothes out from where I'd left them on his bedroom floor.

I watched him get dressed, and couldn't help staring at his bum again as he wiggled into a pair of tight fitting cyclists shorts. I just couldn't believe how easily that man turned me on, and without even trying! I'd never, ever had that kind of sexual chemistry with a bloke before, and I must say it felt absolutely amazing. Just watching him getting dressed was getting me horny, for God's sake!

I was almost relieved when Kieran went into the bathroom and got away from my hungry eyes. To try and cool down a bit, I decided to have a wee wander around his flat. I went into the living room and saw the cat, Gus, fast asleep. He was so sweet- belly up and paws in the air, dead to the world. I could have sworn he was snoring softly.

"Gus?" I whispered.

One eye opened a fraction, rolling around to see who had dared to speak.

"Prr?" Gus replied, finally spotting me.

I inched closer and began to tickle his belly. His fur felt lovely, soft and warm. This cat was in fantastic condition, and soon he began to writhe in ecstasy. I smiled, thinking I'd probably done the same myself on a number of occasions with Kieran the night before.

The man himself uttered a soft laugh from behind me. I turned, smiling, to find him stood near me fully clothed. I think I preferred him naked, but he still looked hot.

"You're brave, aren't you?" he said.


"I can't do that to him and get the reaction you're getting." Kieran inched closer, until he stood over the cat. "Watch this."

Gus immediately stopped purring, his big eyes focused on Kieran's approaching hand.

"Gus," he said, "can I do that?"

The cat's eyes grew wide and his mouth opened, revealing a very impressive set of fangs. Both he and I shuddered in anticipation.

"I want to go in there," Kieran teased, and with that, he put his hand onto Gus' stomach.

Instantly, the cat wrapped his (fully clawed) paws around Kieran's tender wrist and gleefully started biting and kicking him. This was obviously a game they played often, and Gus didn't seem to be one to be bothered by the fragility of human flesh. It was fairly aggressive and Kieran was right; if I'd seen Gus' reaction to Kieran putting his hands on his belly, I don't think I would have had the courage to try it myself. I winced in empathic pain, but curiously neither Kieran nor Gus seemed to think there was anything amiss in a man getting his hands shredded to ribbons by his giant pet cat.

If I hadn't thought it before then, I was now more than ever convinced that the two of them were completely mad. Fortunately, they were also adorable- though strangely enough, Kieran's hands looked somewhat less appealing than they had only a minute ago.

Time was ticking, so I let them get on with it while I hastily slapped on some makeup using Kieran's lounge mirror. I couldn't have everyone at the office commenting on my glowing complexion- especially not as it was combined with telltale dark circles under my eyes and wine-coloured love bites on my neck! I used up nearly half of the emergency bottle of foundation I always carry around in my purse (love bites have a strange habit of appearing out of nowhere when I go out- I've always wondered about that…) and I was about to apply some lipstick when Kieran jumped away from a disappointed Gus and said,

"Hold on, wait a minute!"

"What?" I said, the hand holding my Deep Velvet lipstick hanging in mid-air.

"Let me kiss you before you do that."

He put his arms round my waist and gave me a long, slow kiss.

"What did you do that for?" I asked. "I don't mind, of course, you can do that anytime, but this is kiss-proof lipstick, you know."

And so I turned back to the mirror and lathered my lips with it as he looked at my reflection with detached amusement. To prove my point, I then turned and kissed him full on, not sparing him in the least.

As it turns out, the kiss-proof thing was false advertising, but neither Kieran nor I cared. Things started to get a little steamy and I'm afraid I just didn't have the time, so I gently pushed him away. I wiped his face with a spare tissue I had lying around my bag- and noticed that, funnily enough, only he was smeared. Well, maybe the kiss-proof thing applied only to the wearer. Genius, I call it!

"I wanted to kiss you before you put your lipstick on, so you could have my kiss trapped to your lips by your lippy," he explained, cheeks reddening slightly.

Oh God, have you ever heard anything so cute? Oooh! Had I only had another fifteen minutes to spare, I swear I would have had a go at shagging him senseless. I shook my head and thought, cruel, cruel employers, how could they do this to me, etc.

And so we then went to his car and, before he could get it started, Mother Nature decided to throw in another little complication. As if having me all riled up from that wonderful lipstick-laden kiss hadn't been enough! I was strapping on my seat belt when Kieran slowly brought his head up, opened his mouth slightly and closed his eyes.

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "These early morning sneezes are catching!"

He waved his hands in front of his face and his breath started to hitch.

Then, he sighed and looked at me, smiling. 

"Ah, a refusal. That's three points isn't it? No, wait a minute, a second attempt! Hah.., ahhh,.. Ah-isshuh! Whew… no, wait… hup-shuh! Oh, that's it. Done."

I was beginning to squirm, feeling my cheeks reddening and my resolve to go to work like a good little girl failing, but good old Kieran had finished and was already driving the car off to my place.

The twenty-minute journey was done in almost complete silence, mainly because I was concentrating so much on not jumping him. When we pulled up outside my place, it was all I could do to say,

"Okay, see ya!"

"Oi!" Kieran said, peeved "What about a kiss, then? That's no way to thank your private chauffeur- mind your manners, dear."

I gave him a peck on the lips. "I'm sorry, Kieran, but I'm gonna be late."

"Right then," he said, relenting. A shy smile played on his lips, curious considering everything we had gotten up to. "So, see you at 12:30?"

"Okay love… bye then…"

I leaned forward again, not being able to resist the urge to give him a longer, deeper kiss. It felt wonderful, and I wished I could have made the moment last forever, but I really had to go. Breaking it off regretfully, I gave him a quick smile and said, "Really, must dash, terribly sorry," in my best West London accent.

Kieran was smiling at my bizarre behaviour as I stumbled through my front door. It took me about five minutes to shower, change into my office clothes and get into my car for the drive to work. All the while, I could only think of Kieran and our wonderful night together. I was on cloud nine just remembering it all. Gus' amusing antics. My crazy dream. Our frenzied bouts of lovemaking. My spurious tissue-induced sneezes. His invitation to The Deep End. The drive back in the car, the last I'd see of him for a few days. All of a sudden, I sobered up, surprising even myself with the fact that I was missing him already.

I wondered if I'd been wrong to bid him such a hasty goodbye. How could I already have fallen in love with a man I- let's face it- barely knew? I resisted the temptation to bring out my mobile and call him, telling myself I'd see him again in just a few hours anyway. Still, as I clicked on a tape to take my mind off him while I drove, I couldn't help thinking of those two luscious car sneezes, and the sweetness of his lips on mine as we said goodbye.

Ah… parting is such sweet sorrow…